Team Tanzania - uc prompt

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Though it was awhile ago that I was apart of Team Tanzania, it still holds a dear place in my heart. The team was made up of 12 of us that helped an AIDS orphanage in Tanzania. We partnered with the Phil Simon Clinic that visited the orphanage a couple times a year. Throughout my time with the group we raised over $250,000. We did this by putting together fundraisers and then performing to raise money. Eventually at the end of the 2 years I was involved, 6 of us had the chance to go to the orphanage with the Phil Simon Clinic. To figure out who the lucky 6 were was a difficult process, we not only had to meet the health and grade requirements but also had to learn how to speak their native language of Swahili. Everything was going great for me, until the final step. Parental Approval was the one test I did not pass. Though I did not become the final 6 I stayed here in the states and helped with a few more fundraisers. This relates to the person I am because it truly taught me to be grateful. Not in the corny sense either. Before I got involved with this organization, I was very spoiled and had " everyone owes me something" mentality. Seeing these poor kids with absolutely nothing, changed how I viewed myself and my life. . Even though I am not in a leadership role for the team, til this day I would help in a heartbeat.

Your essay feels extremely rushed. I advise you to add more paragraphs.
You should have a paragraph describing how you were "spoiled" in the beginning because you just stated that really randomly in the end.

To make you essay longer, be more specific. Your essay is really broad. Try describing exactly what fundraisers you guys did.
SO you are a helpful person even though you don't have to. Tell us about your love of unconditional help.