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'tears of humiliation and angriness' - UC #2

greciadlc 1 / -  
Nov 30, 2011   #1
This is what i got for my essay. Can some one critique or edit my essay. It will be appreciated.

Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is
important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does
it relate to the person you are?

I was a junior in high school with a tangled mind. The scenario was, my old high school's principal office with my dad and a police man. The police man kept patronizing me because I had good grades in my Folklorico class and music classes but not in in my AP classes. My dad's face revealed his satisfaction and preoccupation. They were trying to convince me that I could not grow to be a musician because I would starve to death. Early in age, my dad decided to not finish high school, and having divorced my mother a few years back his exasperation was growing each day towards me and my future. Tears started to flow down my cheeks, tears of humiliation and angriness. I did not say a word because I felt I did not had a good answer for them.

Not so long ago, I reached a tipping point in my life. I did not feel good with what I had accomplish in school, nor in life. With so many things in my mind I was not ending in any conclusion so I decided to travel. About a year ago I decided to grab my guitar and travel Mexico without a plan and without money. I decided to travel with a group of people I barely knew. I did not was a guitar genius, but I knew some songs. I had never played for an audience before on my own but I wanted to live by myself. To grow by myself. In home, even thought I have not live with my father since I was sixteen, he always had the final saying in my decisions because he was the one that supported me financially. Before that trip, I convinced my self that I could not live in fear because of other people's fears. That I had to live my dream in order to be happy. I have been always convinced that I am a smart person, and a lot of people had told me that, so I controlled all my fears and led my self go with the flow.

I met people from all around the globe. The greatest musicians taught me about humbleness, and attitude. One does not have to be the greatest but must be willing to advance more and keep growing. I started practicing each day with the guitar. I learned how to knit bracelets and collars, and to juggle the fire stick. I learned that having another person that critiques you and practices with you makes you learn even more faster -something that I did not get used to back in school. Even tough I was not traveling teacher, I started to learn in my own from watching other people. I started jamming in the streets because it filled me with energy and happiness. I organized some friends to juggle with a fire stick as I was playing the guitar and another friend the yembe. We kept doing that as we were traveling and that is how I travelled Mexico for 6 months with no money in my bank account.

I came back home because of my eagerness to return to school. Even if I was earning money and admiring unbelievable landscapes, I have been always convinced that education is a self enrichment process that cultivates people into more capable individuals. From my voyage I learned that anything I can accomplish anything if that is what I want. That I do not have to fear to be wrong. That I am proud of who I am, and even if I do not know anything, I can learn everything. That if I believe on what I am doing then I am not wrong even if some one else tells me that I am. I also learned that I am an artist as I can practice, I can demonstrate and create art in a variety of forms.

JBigelow 1 / 4  
Nov 30, 2011   #2
A lot of grammar errors. You should ask a peer who's good with grammar to take a pen to a paper print out of your essay. but otherwise, really cool premise!

I was just confused by why you were in the principal's office with your dad and a policeman. You should put an explanation there.

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