It is almost finished but i need some advice about anything i should leave out, and if there's a better way I can talk about pride without actually literally mentioning it. thank you.
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this experience makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
"Tears of Life"
The only sound I could hear was the steady pound of the hospital clock as it solemnly announced each second. That, and the crackling rasp of her breath as it slowly threaded in, then out. An eternity would pass between each and every breath. The only thing I could do now - the only thing anyone could do - was wait. And so I waited, my mind paralysed and my hand locked tightly in hers, determined to anchor every last moment to my heart; every moment was bringing her closer, closer... Suddenly, her breath ceased. I waited for the next breath to come; surely, I thought, it will come. Not a sound. And then I felt a giant force crash over my heart, a powerful wave that slammed into my soul, and then everything went black.
Memories. They came to me suddenly, flitting like an enormous flock of butterflies through my mind, each one evanescent and fragile. Her wrinkled hands weave delicate braids through my hair. She hands me a soft set of handmade clothes, and I can feel her love and her warm smell in the soft folds. Her laugh was dangerously contagious, and by the time we had recovered we couldn't remember what was so funny in the first place; thus started a new rumble of laughter. I couldn't escape her tight and powerful hugs: they were made strong by her love. The scrumptious smell of her fresh Pakistani cooking wafts into my nose, and nothing other than her unconditional love could have enabled her to prepare a meal for her family despite her illness. My body was wrenching violently with sobs. This wasn't real, I thought wildly; no, this is my grandmother; she's always been here, she will always be here. I struggled amidst my hysteria to peer through my swollen red eyes at her peaceful form, lying as if in sleep, realizing that her hand was still warm in mine. I reached out to my mom helplessly, and she held me like when I was a child, until gradually the anguish and pain that filled the little room drowned out the last of my agony, slipping me into unconsciousness.
That rainy November day when she died was a pivotal moment in my life. As I stood in front of my grandmother's sodden grave, soft drops of rain mingled with my tears, and woefully smudging them away with my hand, I began to reflect. During her life, nearly every day I was with her, she would repeat to me the importance of loving your family unconditionally, despite the arguments and frustrations, to keep a calm and forgiving heart. She would always say to me, "Always remember your love for your family," and intellectually, I thought I understood what this meant, but it wasn't until she died that the true potency of her simple message really hit me. It was then that not only did her words sink into my heart, but gradually, they began to manifest through my actions as well. I began to look inside myself in all my actions, and as I went about my daily life, I tried to remember her lessons of love and gratitude in everything I did, particularly in trying moments with my family. Very gradually, I began to understand the full gravity of her words as their truth shined when I acted upon them, when I let peace shine through my actions instead of anger.
The lessons that she has taught are invaluable, and nothing has given me such a quiet pride as knowing that I had had the humility to first accept myself as I was, then learn to assimilate these qualities and accept the changes I needed to make in myself to become a better person, and finally truly fulfil my duty to my grandmother, my family, and myself. As I continue to grow and learn, I want to pass on her legacy to others, to teach them what she taught me: unconditional love and compassion.
You're a great writer! =)
Her laugh was dangerously contagious, and by the time we had recovered we couldn't remember what was so funny in the first place; thus we started a new rumble of laughter.
She would always say to me, "Always remember your love for your family," and intellectually , I thought I understood what this meant, but it wasn't until she died that the true potency of her simple message really hit me.
- I'm not sure if this is the right word. I would suggest another, but I'm not even sure what you're trying to say here.
The lessons that she has taught are invaluable, and nothing has given me such a quiet pride as knowing that I had had the humility to first accept myself as I was, then learn to assimilate these qualities and accept the changes I needed to make in myself to become a better person, and finally truly fulfil my duty to my grandmother, my family, and myself.
- My least favorite sentence in your essay, which is not good because its your concluding sentence. First of all, its a mouth full. You might want to split it into two sentences. You don't really bring out the point that you first learned to accept yourself in your essay, thus it sounds a bit random. Also you should cut down on the passive voice.
Overall though really nice job!
Would you mind looking at mine?
thanks!
The lessons that she has taught are invaluable, and nothing has given me such a quiet pride as knowing that I had had the humility to first accept myself as I was, then learn to assimilate these qualities and accept the changes I needed to make in myself to become a better person, and finally truly fulfil my duty to my grandmother, my family, and myself.
- Sorry I meant strike them out.
as i am also writing on the second uc prompt right now, i have put alot of thought into what they want us to write about in this essay and after talking to many people, also my counselor who is specialized on the application essays, reached the conclusion that first and foremost they want to hear about something that makes us proud. this also implies that we should have fought some kind of struggle in achieving it and finally how this has benefited the persons we ve become.
although i reaaaally like your essay, i think its not quite answering what they wanna hear.
i know this might sound really destructive, but given the circumstances of how the ucs are cutting back admissions, you really dont wanna risk anything that might make them not consider you, for you do show alot of insight and intelligence.
@ twizzlestraw: ok, thanks. haha, funny you mention that least favourite sentence - its my least favourite too. i threw it in last-minute cuz i had to include that, but its good to know that it really IS a bad sentence.
just one thing:
"that I had had the humility to first accept myself as I was"
I beleive you didnt mention this in the beginnig so I would recommend that you either explain a little bit more or just take it out.
Overall your essay is really good keep it up!!
...announced each second -- that, and the crackling rasp of her breath as it slowly threaded in, then out.
...feel her love and her warmth smell in the soft folds.
That rainy November day when she died was a pivotal moment in my life.
It's true! You are a great writer. And thanks for the help you have been giving other people; I found a link to this essay after you lft it for someone you helped.
Sorry about your grandmother. It is nice that you were there with her, holding her hand when she went to the other side.
thank you for the input, Kevin. :)
and thank you for your sympathies.
Yeah, I am always grateful that she was surrounded by her family and friends when she passed on.
