The bolded sentence seems really awkward...
Thank you!
(GA TECH) If you were to delay going to college by one year, what would you do with that time? And, what would you hope to gain from that experience?
Volunteer. Travel. Study. Save a cat from a tree. Cure cancer. Find life on Mars. Invent flying cars. Wouldn't anyone like to accomplish such tasks during an allotted time of one year? I think so. Even though I would love to carry through such extraordinary accomplishments in a year, quite truthfully, I would do anything for the chance to just simply rest. For 9 years of my life, I have been sprinting full force, tripping and scratching up myself, and all the while consistently running. Summer school, tutoring, studying for SATs, piano lessons, violin lessons, Korean school, babysitting; there wasn't even time to breathe. I have been constantly busy with some kind of task or favor or work that was apparently more important than me. For a full year, I would like to escape from the chaotic enigma that is my life and enjoy the perks of actually being bored and lackadaisical. I would like to sleep for 18 hours nonstop, stare at the sky just for the sake of staring, take a 2 hour bath in the bathtub that has been collecting dust bunnies for decades, and sing to my poster of Orlando Bloom as he would smile romantically back at me. I would like to do all these haphazard things that I have never been able to live up to because of my drastically jumbled up life. While occasionally I did have the time to do such things, worries about unfinished homework or upcoming tests kept pestering me nonstop, awakening me from such dillydallying and then hypnotizing me into doing something "productive".
During my "year of relaxation", not only would I rest my body and soul, but also take the time to reflect on myself. I know with such an enormous amount of free time on my hands, I will have enough time to reflect on most of the things I have done over the years. Perhaps during this time of reflection I will be able to realize particular things that may possibly influence my future. Whether I realize that the field of culinary arts really isn't the road for me or that I shouldn't be wasting my time on violin lessons, I hope, within my year of solitude and tranquility, I will be able to emerge as a fully armed potential undergrad student ready for the wondrous and exciting life ahead.
Hello. I am not a moderator, but I would love to help you out.
I think you should spell out all the numbers in your essay to make it look more formal.
I really like the beginning of your essay! It made me want to keep reading it.
I think the bolded sentence sounds fine. It is a long sentence though, so maybe you want to separate it a little.
Hope I helped!
Jenn
This might be me but I would change some things. It might not be necessary to accept my changes because you have a great introduction. I do agree with jennc09 that it could be more formal if you spelled out the numbers.
For nine years, I have been sprinting full force, injuring myself as a consequence, and all the while consistently running.
While occasionally I did have the time to do such activities, worries of deadlines kept pestering me nonstop. It awakened me from such dillydallying and then hypnotized me into doing something more "productive".
Thank you so much jennc09 and davphan!
Your advice does make alot of sense :]
For 9 years of my life, I have been sprinting full force, tripping and scratching myself up , and all the while consistently running.
While occasionally I did have the time to do such things, worries about unfinished homework or upcoming tests kept pestering me. These worries kept me from such dillydallying, hypnotizing me into doing something "productive".
I played around with the sentence in question (above), but there are many ways to break it up if you feel it is too long or cumbersome. However, it is technically correct as it is. In fact, I thought it was an especially interesting sentence. still, I know what you mean about wanting to make it more manageable.
