Please help this is my rough draft
Write an essay that conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences that have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world-the people in it, events great and small, everyday life-or any personal theme that appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well. We prefer that you limit yourself to 250-500 words (1-2 pages).
My journey of life and the experiences that I have accumulated have brought me to view the world as a place where people are capable of change at any given moment in their lives. At any moment I believe man is capable of becoming someone better than who they are today. I arrived at this belief through many experiences, and I believe that change will happen through many events as well. Change is evident in my life in many forms. I see change when I look at myself, my family, and my culture. I am inspired by the accomplishments that African Americans have made in order to change their circumstances. When I do find myself in doubt I look to the African American story that shows how change is capable of progressing into something unimaginable.
When I look at my life I know that I am capable of doing anything because of what African Americans in the past accomplished in their lives. My culture teaches me to always strive for the best in life and not settle for anything. I know that success in my life will not come easily for me being a black female, but I always work hard and let my adversity motivate me and determine me to overcome obstacles in my life. When I arrived at my current college and the majority of my peers were different than me I began to feel what this world is going to be like for the first time. I am still coming to terms with the fact that most of the adversity that I face is going to be attributed to something that I cannot change and have no desire to change. When I do feel discouraged I look at how blacks in the past dealt with the discrimination they faced, and I began to feel that I can overcome the hardships I face.
One of the things that drives me in my life is my thoughts on belief. I see belief as the first step of success, before hard work, passion, or dedication comes into play the belief that something can be done is my first step. Around the world I see people who are in need of help and seem to just need something to believe in to keep going. I have a real feeling of empathy for children who grow up feeling discouraged in themselves. One of my main goals in life is to make the inner city better. My parents are a product of the inner city and I know what can be done with a little determination, which is evident in their lives. When I think change I do not only mean regarding myself, but the circumstances of others as well. I want to help children who are in the same circumstances that my parents once were in, find the light in their own lives and bring it to their children's lives like my parents brought it to mine. At my current job I am working with a first grade student whose was homeless at the beginning of the school year. Though her situation is extremely difficult and sad I still see her come to class everyday believing in herself and being a great academic student. In my future I hope to work with children like her achieve their goals in life.
The brief time that I have spent studying Economics I have came across some statistics of the inner city youth that are disheartening, but have the ability to change. With my degree in Economics I wish to find the reasons for the problems in the inner city and use the broad range of knowledge that I have gained with my education to bring about the solutions and change.
1- repetion of the word" moment", you can say " obviously, i believe that man is ..."
2- repetion of word" believe".
3- " ...how change is capable of..." the right is"...how MUCH change is capableof..."
4-" ...for me bieng a black women...". you could say" Being a black women, i know sucess...for me."
5- "...my adversity motivateS me..." pay more attention to the "S".
6- try to make short sentencens to avoid mistakes : " when i arrived TO my current college (comma) all my peers...(stop)./ I began ...."
7- repetition of the same idea" ..when i find myself in doubt..."/" when i m discoreged...".
8- "...thought on belief" ?"??
9-"...i have cOME..." .
Y write very well. your essay attrat all my interest. i believe that you will be a good writer.
one moreadvise ; i heard that here in usa you should not talk about some taboo subjct such religion , politics... so i do not if you can talk about this .check with your teacher .
good luck
