i am doing the college application essay and can you guys give me some feedback? it means a lot to me thanks.
"When you were born, I wanted to throw you down the cliff"
I looked up to his face without any sign of surprise, 'red cheeks check, cloudy eyes check'. I whispered 'here we go again' and jumped back to my wondering mind full of nonsense trying to ignore everything my dad says. In my defense of acting such rude to my dad, I want to point out that I heard his "lecture" thousand times- literally. Every time my dad drinks, my dad calls my brother and I and make us listen to his "lecture". What is interesting is how consistent his "tales" are. I can listen one sentence from him and can predict the next sentence 99% of the time except the time when my mom asks him if he wants more kimchi. He says no though.
I sighed as I recollected an old Chinese or Korean saying that when baby tigers are born their parents would grab them by their back and throw them down the cliff and only raise the cubs that managed to climb up on their own.
My dad wants me to be a tiger, a brave, loyal (according to very accurate source: folktale), independent creature. However, as a kid I had always been a nervous, shy boy. Because of his desire, I have always been a victim of his devilish plan.
When I was in my 4th grade our family moved to America from South Korean leaving everything behind for out education and to avoid corrupted education system in Korea, and unstable economy.
Beginning of March, my dad drove me to my first day at American elementary school and wished me good luck and told me to ride the school bus to get home. I felt like he threw me down the cliff and to wolf den. I saw my mom's concerned eyes and moved my trembling legs towards the school to ease her worries. Once inside the school my mind was black and wondered If I can survive to see "a magic school bus" that I saw in the television. My instinct was to find the most familiar place, which was the main office, and seek for help from them. However, the real struggle began when I tried to communicate with them that I am a new student. My broken English skill of not being able to complete Alphabet without the catchy sound track proved useless. In fact only word that I could understand was "name?" asked by one of the officers.
This is the usual life of me, dropping into new situations while my dad watches me cope with these situations without providing any sort of help. However, on my sophomore year, I had the first experience of how cruel the world is. My mother was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and she needed her surgery right away. She immediately packed her bags and moved back to Korea where the medical care is affordable.
For a year, our family went through Dark Age. It wasn't a situation where I was no longer under my father's supervision but instead a reliable member in the family. While my father and my brother went out to work, I stayed home and did house work such as laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, and etc. At this time, I helped my dad, who can't speak English, with the rent, banking, car insurance, returning items, creating budget, reading the mails, and everything that required English.
Even though I still think I am a nervous and shy kid, through these experiences I learned to cope with difficult situations.
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Roy, I would really appreciate it if you can provide the complete prompt instructions for this essay. I am having a difficult time analyzing the portions that can be revised, edited, or deleted because I am unsure as to what the central theme of the essay has to be. I think it has something to do with your character, based upon what you have written. However, what it is about your character that the essay is being asked to portray is what I am concerned about. Any changes we make need to be reflective of the prompt requirements so please post it soon so that I can offer you more concrete and applicable advice for your writing.
At the moment, your essay is really very emotional and personal in nature. It shows off a side to you that I believe can be better developed so that the essay be refocused from a bigger concentration on your father to a more major concentration on how this relationship helped build your character. The minute I know more about the prompt requirements, I know that I can help you to change the direction of this essay for the better,
Hi Roy, as I go through the prompt, I was hoping that I would be able to read a certain adventure that made you who you are and kept you moving, now, the essay is somehow like that, however, it could've been more straight to the point, more direct and far more solid into one single topic.
What you did however, is that you did a sort of a bio of your life that are quiet rolled up in one full essay, also, the part where you are trying to write a conclusion has not quiet sold a conclusion it was like something that is placed there for the purpose of concluding a certain part of the essay.
While you're doing your revision, mind the presentation of your essay, make sure that there are not a lot of paragraphs in your essay, a maximum of 4 will suffice the entire essay and get your ideas together in one paragraph, the introduction, the body of the essay that will support and back up your introduction and the conclusion that will solidify your ideas and answer the prompt.I hope to review your revised essay soon. Keep writing.