Explain how you responded to a problem and/or an unfamiliar situation. What did you do, what was the outcome, and what did you learn from the experience?
This is one of the questions for my UBC application. Please comment and suggest any ideas towards my paragraph!
Last summer, I embarked on the journey of working as a pizza cook for my first time at PNE and it was an eye-opening experience. Granted the opportunity to exercise my culinary skills, I was very eager during my training day. I was unexpectedly taught the basics of how to roll the dough and how to dress it. The instructions were thorough and the procedural forms were simple to follow through. However, my endeavors to create my first pizza came out as a blunder. There were air bubbles and the crusts were uneven; but the frustration that was built up inside of me didn't stop me from giving up. With no significant improvements after many attempts, I decided to spend some time watching others roll out their dough. When I noticed the techniques they used differed from mine, I went to my station and tried incorporating some techniques I acquired from my Foods Class to make the dough. In the end, a round-shaped pizza came out and it was a success. Over the going process of learning how to make pizzas, I learned that not everything will always go my way at first and that I need to develop my own style and incorporate it into things to produce the best results.
Noah, you have chosen a very relevant and enlightening experience to relate to the reviewer in response to the prompt. The fact that the situation that you shared is something very personal to you allowed the reviewer to get to know the kind of person that you are. In fact, it shines a light on how you may approach any difficulty that you could encounter as a student. You will definitely earn consideration for that presentation.
I don't see any section of the essay that you need to improve upon or expand at this point. It is a well developed and discussed essay. There are only a few grammar issues that you should address. Maybe you missed these mistakes because of the rush in writing the response. So let me point those out for you below:
working as a pizza cook for my THE first time...
I was very eager to LEARN AND WORK during my training day.
... was unexpectedly taught the basics of ...
The instructions were thorough and the procedural forms were simple to follow through.
my first pizza came out as WAS a blunder.
that was built up inside of me didn't stop me from MAKE ME GIVE giving up.
Over the going process of learning how to make pizzas,
Thank you Vangiespen! I was trying to figure how I can improve my topic question and you really helped me out a lot!
Another question I would love to ask is that is it alright if I use "journey" for my first sentence?
Have a nice day :)
I don't see why you can't use the word in this essay. It seems to fit the overall sentiment that you were trying to convey. A journey signifies an adventure in life that you are embarking upon. It is something that you should be looking forward to doing. Now, if you are embarking on a path towards a culinary career, then using the term journey works very well in the overall scheme of the essay. However, if you only did it as a part time job or as an aid in finding your career path, then maybe journey is not the word to use.
Should you wish to figure out if the word "journey" is suited to your essay, all you have to do is read the essay again, this time, with a critical eye. Try to see if the word suits the description of the events that took place and your actions. As the saying goes, "Life is a journey composed of adventures" so the use of the word and the meaning that it implies in your context all depends upon the story that you want to portray. I think the word suits the essay content, but if you have some other ideas as to how you want to start the essay, then go ahead and present your alternative sentence here so we can compare the two and figure out which one suits your essay best.
