Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)
describing myself
Like most Grade 12 students preparing for post-secondary application, I put a lot of effort on both academic studies and extracurricular activities. However, the word that people would use to describe me will be- persistent, since I am always trying my very best with the activities I am involved in, and I do not give up easily when I am facing hardships.
For instance, I started figure skating when I was in Grade 6. Although there is never an age that is too late to begin figure skating, however, comparing to other skaters in the skating club who started skating before elementary school, I was at a huge disadvantage. Embarrassingly, when I first started, I needed to start from the lowest level in figure skating (Star Skate 1) and train with the little kids who are mostly half of my age or younger. Also, I understand that it might be too late for me to master some of the double or triple jumps since I am starting this late. Even so, I did not quit skating. Instead, trained harder than most of the skaters in the club by attending extra skating sessions offered by my coach. However, over these few years of intense training in figure skating, I was able to catch up my gap with some of the early starters by joining some figure skating competitions and being an assistant skating coach in my figure skating club.
Please edit/comment on my paragraph
Thanks so much :)Your story is quite compelling. But the problem is that you're writing it in a monotone. Try creating a narrative. Try to hook the reader with your writing so that the reader actually WANTS to know you and read your story. Bring some quirkiness into it ! Try to convey your love of figure-staking or the reason why you worked hard even though the prospects of you mastering the tougher jumps were bleak. The admissions office wants to know more about you than your extracurriculars -those are covered by your resume and other parts of your application. Think about why you're so passionate about figure-skating? Is it the confidence you possess when you're gliding on the ice with the elegance of a swan, the sheer energy you feel from the crowd or the competitive spirit? Or something else ?
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Shirley, since you did not actually achieve anything of remarkable importance as a fledgling figure skater, the reviewer will wonder why you chose to use that to describe an accomplishment. Simply being able to keep up with the beginners and advancing in skills not a notable accomplishment, which is what the prompt requires. You need to present an accomplishment or achievement that will tell the reviewer something about your persistence in reference to your personality trait. The persistence needs to translate into some sort of success on your end in some field, not necessarily skating. Perhaps there is another activity that you are engaged in that you have notable accomplishments in? Use that instead. Even if it is only a story about having a hard time in class but then coming out as the top student that semester will provide an accomplishment to the "persistence" reference that the reviewer can use to gauge the type of student you might be. Remember, you need to prove that you can succeed as a college student so you need to show success early on either in your academic or personal life. This essay just doesn't provide that information so it should not be the essay that you use to respond to this prompt.
