What do you think about my essay ?any comments or suggestions would really be appreciated :)
"Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
While cycling to the mart in Telok Pulai with my brother , I am thinking about this question while hanging around Telok Pulai while my brother begged me to take a bike ride with him to our nearest minimart to satisfy his greedy needs-a few bars of Mentos and Paddle Pop ice creams since our mom won't buy them for us. I laughed , knowing very well that we would be caught the second we got home.
Telok Pulai is a small town separated by a bridge just outside of my home town, Klang. We moved here from Eng Ann, a busy district with the densest population in Klang. The lower density has given my parents to build their dream home while staying close to our extended family.
Telok Pulai. A place where old man played mah-jong at the kopitiam , kids played badminton in the middle of the road ,sometimes it annoys me and I have no idea WHY dad chose this place. It took me and my brother years and the curiosity killer of me to figure out.
Somehow, I always wondered who had built the bridge and why. Beneath the bridge lied the mini Telok Pulai train Station. I guess that 'someone' must have built it here for the local delight , Nasi Lemak. Telok Pulai is so small; the bridge seemed to be bigger than the place itself.
On the way back to our house after shopping, we decided to take the long route back. The friendly Malay lady on 25th waved at us as we smiled. Then, we stopped right under the bridge again. The train roared past us and gradually stopped right beside us. Secretly, I thanked 'someone', because he builds us access to this rural but jolly place.
That was year 7. Since then, I hoped to go after my dream as it moulded me as someone who like to discover new things. It was this bridge that linked my ambition to be an engineer, as engineer devoted time and energy to apply knowledge and simple practical physics and mathematics into every field. Engineers learn everything. Apply. Design. Build. And then improvise from it again. That's the reason we are enjoying everything in this world.
That guy who used to be 'someone' in fact is my Swedish uncle. After building that bridge contracted by the Malaysia government, he settled down and married my aunt just because he liked this place so much. Approaching 80, I could still feel the aura around him : cool but knowledgeable. I wanted to be like my uncle, create wonders practically. And the best part is being part of it. It just ignited me to use my passion and knowledge to give it back to the people I love.
Telok Pulai. With the best food in town, cheerful people with their automatic hand wave and sincere smile reflexes, I don't know HOW dad chose this place, but I do know that he made the right choice.
Hey thanks for reading mine about my nephew, any suggestions on how to talk about my dreams more in the beginning? I tried painting a picture first.
What question? In the beginning
The lower density has given my parents THE OPPORTUNITY to build their dream home while staying close to our extended family.
and the curiosity killer of me to figure out. - reword
That's the reason we ENJOY everything in this world. (Present tense)
just because he found happiness in such a place.
Approaching 80, I could still feel the aura around him---Wrong, approaching 80, should refer to the person turning 80, not you LOL I forgot what this was called, but it's a common mistake.
I wanted to be like my uncle, to practically create wonders.
Make sure to keep your tense the same throughout your essay, I was confused what was the past and what was the present.
Take out the food, that's random as well. I don't really feel how your dreams stemmed from your town.
Yes, you throughly explain your town, but there isn't any significance as how it lead to becoming an engineer.
I see how your uncle has helped, but you barley mentioned him.
I don't quite understand the beginning, you say this was year 7 but you are thinking of the question (which is the prompt) at the same time...
While cycling to the mart in Telok Pulai with my brother , I am thinking about this question while hanging around [my brother ]Telok PulaiOmit this, you only need to say it once while my brother begged me to take a bike ride with him to our nearest minimart to satisfy his greedy needs-a few bars of Mentos and Paddle Pop ice creams since our mom won't buy them for us. I laughed , knowing very well that we would be caught the second we got home.
Engineers learn everything. Apply. Design. Build. And then improvise from it again -- I love this line.
As well as everything else she said ^
I think its very visual and interesting, though.
right. thanks for the help guys. have to improve my essay now :)
