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Temple-essay 2: personal development, about myself.


Ascendtoashes 1 / -  
May 16, 2011   #1
Hey, I'm working on my personal statement for my application at Temple, and I could use a few pointers on how it reads and flows. I'm currently worried it sounds a bit apathetic and unenthusiastic, but I'm always overly critical of my work. I'm still 36 words short of being 300 words, but I heard they no longer have count restraints and focus more on clarity and concision.

Thanks!


Here's the question: Tell us about yourself. Relate one or more experiences or circumstances that have contributed to your personal and/or academic development. If you have been out of school one year or longer, please discuss your activities during that period.

The experiences I've had during the last few years have helped me to not only become a more confident individual, but have helped me to procure a clearer understanding of what I want to do with my life.

While attending FCC, I was first inspired after helping several of my peers with a video project. I became intrigued and decided to take a course in digital media. Originally, I took the class to fulfill my electives, but after spending time working on my projects, I began to develop a predilection for film and video.. Subsequently, I took several courses, and decided I wanted to pursue a career in the field. I became motivated to find ways to create unique experiences for the viewer, while trying to find new ways and test new theories in motion picture

During the summer I started looking for ways to be involved in video production, and began looking into various venues. At my church I volunteered to shoot the Sunday sermon, which taught me the different approaches and reformations for shoot a live performance. Even while working as a raft guide at Harper's Ferry, I helped a coworker shoot an advertisement video for the company. He informed me of his various contracted jobs that allowed him to pursue his love of recreational sports and digital video.

The following summer I took a step further, and acquired an internship at a local advertisement agency, Good & Associates. During my time there, I learned the various business aspects and public relations for negotiating with clients. They showed me the necessary preparations for a shoot, and how to handle technical problems as they arose.

After completing most of the courses, I began searching for a transferable 4 year institution that offered a degree in digital media arts. A colleague of mine, who is in the same field himself, recommended I should look in Philadelphia. After evaluating several colleges, I determined Temple University best serves my career and financial goals.

After I obtain my degree, I plan on moving to the Midwest to work in outdoor travel experiences. I want to record the experiences of kayaking through rapids, mountain climbing, and hiking through harsh terrain.
irs055 4 / 8  
May 17, 2011   #2
Please include your motivations and what you prefer to do after ur graduation.

also describe your work in some more sentences including your experiences ,and exposure ..
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 18, 2011   #3
I was always concerned about going to college not interesting or helpful

. During high school I had a vague idea of what I wanted to achieve in life.

The whole first para is ineffective. We want to make the reader feel surprised and inspired by your great worldview and effort.

(Add a brilliant "hook" sentence here to introduce the main theme, the concept that you want to discuss). While attending FCC, I was first inspired after helping several of my peers with a video project. I became intrigued and decided to...--I thinkit is better to kill that first para and start here.

All of your examples are great! Now present them in a way that does not sound like they were random experiences... present them as activities you hungrily sought because of your unbreakable determination, your clear vision of the future.

I think you should add a sentence to the beginning of each of these paragraphs, and let each sentence support the MAIN THEME of the essay.

:-)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 24, 2011   #4
When I look at the intro, it makes me want to make it more efficient:

My experiences in recent years helped me to become more confident and procure a clearer understanding of what I want to do with my life. (Add a sentence that sums up the message you want the reader to remember after finishing this essay).

While attending...

Use the word four:
After completing most of the courses, I began searching for a transferable, four-year institution that...

:-) Looking good!!


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