I am an international student from Panama. I really want to improve my essay...what do you think?
Please BE HARSH!
Do I need a title? ...recommendations?
1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
If you walk through the Missouri Academy dorm hallway and you hear the sounds of CNN on TV, you can easily infer that these sounds are coming from my room. The voices of TV anchors reporting news such as: "China does not plan to buy US Treasuries or Bonds..." or "Iranian President raises doubts about the official US account of the 9/11 attacks..." reverberate off the walls of my room all day long. Studying in the United States helped me discover the beauty of learning about world politics and understanding different cultures. My friends were not surprised when I decided to pursue a bachelor's degree in international relations and political communication.
I first became interested in studying in the United States because of an extraordinary EducationUSA advisor in Panama. She started a program which enables underprivileged students who live in Panama's more rural areas to study English at the Missouri Academy for two months. Propelled by this incredibly inspiring woman, I earned a scholarship to attend the Missouri Academy. I was concerned about leaving the comfort of my family to attend an early-entrance-to-college program in rural Missouri with a group of strangers. Nevertheless, I knew that by coming to the United States I would be taking my first steps towards a career in international relations.
Before I attended school in the United States, I had a tendency to stereotype Americans. My previous knowledge about the United States' involvement in the invasion of Panama and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan made me believe Americans were haughty and unpleasant. I even thought they wanted to rule the world. After a few months attending the Missouri Academy, however, my perception of Americans gradually changed, and I realized how wrong I was.
By the end of the first semester, I had an established group of friends. We would talk all the time - even during study periods. To my surprise, most of our conversations turned out to be about Panama. Some of my friends used to ask questions such as: "It's really hot down there, isn't it?" or "Is it cheap?" Others just showed their lack of knowledge about my country: "Is the Panama Canal still in Panama?" or "So, since you are from Panama, are you an American citizen?" It was rather confusing for me to see people in this country-especially teenagers-having a considerable interest in my country. The people I categorized as arrogant wanted to know about my homeland. They may have had little or no knowledge about Panama, but they sure took interest in learning about it.
Every time one of my friends invited me to stay at their house during an academic break, I would feel uneasy. I thought my friends' relatives would not treat me well because I am not white or because I come from an underdeveloped country. I used to think the older Americans were shallow individuals grumbling about their government's inability to take over the world. I could not believe how wrong I was. My friends' relatives turned out to be the most pleasant, polite, and fun individuals I have ever met. They did not care about my skin color or financial status; they just wanted me to tell them everything I could about Panama. At that time, I started feeling guilty. How could I ever stereotype people like that? I kept asking myself. After visiting and interacting with my friends' relatives, my perception of Americans finally changed.
Studying in the United States has helped me develop intercultural competence-an ability a specialist in international relations must possess. I discovered I would never be a true connoisseur of international relations if I stereotype people as I used to. In order to understand and deal with world politics, I must be able to recognize cultural differences and discard social stereotypes. After a year in the United States, I realized that I cannot judge people without getting to know their culture.
While attending the Missouri Academy, I noticed that in spite of many differences we are all the same. We all face the same problems, we all have economic needs, and we all struggle to stand up after we fall down. Most importantly, we all have the same aspirations of liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Undoubtedly I will be confronted with similar, if not more serious, misconceptions in the future. However, thanks to these experiences I have grown wiser. I have become interculturally competent.
Overall it is pretty good. I like that you tied in being interculturally competent as becoming successful in international relations.
Recommendation:
"Some of my friends used to ask questions such as: "It's really hot down there, isn't it?" or "Is it cheap". . .
'The voices of TV anchors reporting news such as: "China does not plan to buy US Treasuries or Bonds..." or "Iranian President raises doubts about the official US account of the 9/11 attacks. . .'
You don't need to write 'such as', it's redundant.
Also:
"early-entrance-to-college program" rephrase this it is to wordy.
good luck!
It's funny because I cannot wait to escape Missouri. I've lived here my whole life and am very much ready to fly anywhere else. :)
I enjoyed reading this, it is an interesting subject. You tie your personal experience and your job aspirations nicely together. Good transitions.
You do need a title. But I'll leave the rightful and sacred task of creating the perfect one up to your expertise.
1. Your intro paragraph needs a thesis statement at the end that directly answers the prompt in one sentence, and summarizes the overall message of your essay. You do that well in your conclusion paragraph, but boil the spirit of your conclusion paragraph down into one sentence at the end of your intro and you'll have it.
2. "my perception of Americans gradually changed...
my perception of Americans finally changed...
I could not believe how wrong I was...
and I realized how wrong I was..."
See the redundancy of both the structure, word choice, and the idea itself?
3. "My friends' relatives turned out to be the most pleasant, polite, and fun individuals I have ever met." This statement "tells" rather than "shows". Change it into another example like the ones you wrote after this statement, while still introducing who you are writing about.
4. Eliminate as many to-be verbs as possible. They are weak and unnecessarily lengthen your essay. Reference- essayforum.com/grammar-usage-13/importance-choosing-strong-verbs-6143/ - The Importance of Choosing Strong Verbs.
5. "I have become interculturally competent." This is a bland and uninspiring concluding sentence.
I'm glad to see you appreciate Missouri more than I do. It is beautiful in the Autumn; I'll give it that. The best of luck in your future! :)
Yes, this is good stuff. However, I want you to CLEARLY specify the experience you are talking about. Clearly specify it in that first paragraph. Make it so that in the first paragraph the reader has no doubt about what experience, achievement, etc. you are talking about.
Also, I want to add something to this sentence:
My friends were not surprised when I decided to pursue a bachelor's degree in international relations and political communication.
Because I ______ _______ ____ _______ __ _______ _______, My friends were not surprised when I decided to pursue a bachelor's degree in international relations and political communication.
That could make it stronger. Fill in the blank!! :-)
