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'Tennis' - UC prompt 2- Changing my life


sumersinha 2 / 9  
Nov 28, 2011   #1
Prompt : Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

The sunshine woke me up as my mother pulled my blanket off of me. It was a beautiful day outside, but for me, it was going to be dull like every other day. I skipped breakfast and reluctantly proceeded to school. I had lost all interest in studying and sports. I had no desire to talk to other people and spent my lunch time alone. When I finally escaped this prison, I locked myself up in my room and spent the next eight hours with my only friend: a computer game called Runescape. Every day was the same.

I was always very determined about everything I did, but making video games my passion hurt every aspect of my life. My junior year was a life changing experience. I overcame my video game addiction and began a fulfilling life. I started to enjoy studying, playing sports, and socializing. I became a better person - confident, competitive, hard working, and intelligent.

It all began on a fine winter afternoon, when my elder brother needed someone to play tennis with. I don't know why, but I went to play with him. It was so much fun! Although I was out of shape and got tired quickly, I kept on playing. Tennis became a passion for me, and I played with my brother everyday for the next couple of months. Later, I joined the school tennis team, and playing with friends became a common occurrence. I wasn't that great when the season started, but my hard work paid off. When the interschool tournament began, I was already one of the best on our team and proud of that. I didn't want to disappoint my team, so I was determined to win my matches. Winning was great, but losing wasn't bad either, for it made me a better player as I worked harder. Since then, I have played regularly and have improved as a player and a person. Tennis gave me a reason to go outside and have fun. It changed my indifferent and pessimistic attitude to being enthusiastic about life. It encouraged me to try my best in everything I do.

Tennis changed my perspective in life - I wanted to achieve something worthwhile. So I enrolled into some interesting math and science classes. They were challenging and fun, and it made me happy to be working towards my goals. I started to spend more time with my teachers, even learning some stuff beyond the class curriculum. I started spending time in the library, and one day, on my brother's suggestion, picked up a Harry Potter book. I finished it in two days! I never used to read, but I have read many books, factual and fiction, since then. It has become one of my favorite pastimes, along with gardening. I was proud of my excellent grades, but the change in my mindset and the knowledge I gained was the most important to me.

Life was becoming much harder with all the responsibility from leading the tennis team, studying, and gardening. However, whenever I sat alone and looked back, I felt really happy about myself. Although I had to work hard, life was good because I was doing something worthwhile and productive.

Video games had controlled a big part of my life. I still enjoy video games from time to time, but excess of everything is bad. There is a lot more to life than just a video game. I want to explore my life further and learn more. I believe college will be a great opportunity to do so.
Aliia 1 / 4  
Nov 28, 2011   #2
Hi!
Your essay was funny because of the familiar situation with my brother. lol In addition, it was written well. Lastly, don't go to college! Good luck!

P.S. check my essay. Thank you!
OP sumersinha 2 / 9  
Nov 28, 2011   #3
hey, thanks for the comments. this essay is for my college application.
I really need more advice on how to improve this, please help guys!!
Appreciate any suggestion and thank you
michelleleal3 2 / 5  
Nov 28, 2011   #4
you asnwer the question well. I think you show how much you have a changed and show how motivated you are.
im writing my essays for ucs right now too. hope you get in!
Jstuff36 5 / 17  
Nov 28, 2011   #5
Video games had controlled a big part of my life.
Remove had

but excess of everything is bad.
This is just me, I would change everything to anything
OP sumersinha 2 / 9  
Nov 28, 2011   #6
thank you for the edits.
Any suggestions are welcome. I really need to improve this essay!
bhaveshnibber - / 2  
Nov 29, 2011   #7
your essay is pretty amazing and you have answered the question nicely :)
OP sumersinha 2 / 9  
Nov 29, 2011   #8
Thanks! but I really need help on this guys. Can anyone tell me mistakes and improve grammar and give ideas please?!
Any help is appreciated. Thanks guys!
mtph 2 / 5  
Nov 29, 2011   #9
I became a better person - confident, competitive, hard working, and intelligent.
Remove the comma highlighted in red.

I don't know why, but I went to play with him.
I wasn't that great when the season started, but my hard work paid off.

You shouldn't include contractions in formal writing.

I started to spend more time with my teachers, even learning some stuff beyond the class curriculum
The word "stuff" is very ambiguous. You should avoid words like these (another example would be the word "thing") and try to replace them with more descriptive words.


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