Hey guys there are two of them tell me which one is better
thanks :)
When I try to judge the direction of the wind and toss the ball high up to serve, Nervousness breeds through me. I feel impatient. I gather myself back again and go back to doing what I enjoy the most-playing tennis, a sport I savor. I have played it for the last 11 years and hope to do so wherever I am.
Tennis infuses discipline in me in every manner, jerks out any malaise, instills a sense of timing and keeps me focused on achieving my goal. On the court, mistakes motivate me to work harder, focus better and I constantly strive to learn more. I am solely responsible for my actions, I am my own team and I desire to put in my best because I do not want to come out regretting any action. Lessons I carry back with my rackets. Tennis is my most significant extra-curricular activity.
Photography speaks many languages. Every image fragments into layers. Each layer tells a story. Some imagined and some heard. My camera creates and sees what the eyes cannot see or what the heart cannot feel. As I walk on the street to capture stories , to hear them, I feel a sense of freedom. I click, I erase and I believe again.
Photography instills within me the zeal to go forward and learn more. The camera speaks for me and I express myself better with it. The camera plays its role, it acts as a companion, teaches me and most importantly, makes me a walk a mile in someone's shoes. As it hangs on my neck inanimately, I wait patiently for it to come alive and to show me the multifarious shades of life.
I find this short essay promt extremely challenging; 150 words not a lot so you have to make each sentence mean something. your writting and grammer is good, but since this is 150 i think the adcoms will want you to get straight to the point.
For example: When I try to judge the direction of the wind and toss the ball high up to serve , ---it is obvious you are talking about tennis so you better just say: When Im playing tennis, adrenaline breeds nervous through me- yes , I know it sounds boring but considering its a 150 word essay the adcoms probably want you to just cut to the chase.
I think this is unique and better than the first.
Again: As I walk on the street to capture stories , to hear them, I feel a sense of freedom. you better just say: As I take photos along the street, i feel a sense of freedom.
overall your writting is very good and you use great metaphors. But as this is supposed to be a brief essay, i think you should not use metaphors and just state things the way they are.
Anyways, i am an intl students who has little knowledge of the common app short essay, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
Please check my essay
In the first statement, 'n' shouldn't be capital in nervousness.
Overall, it was a pretty good answer. I especially enjoyed reading the last para.
However, I agree with the above post that you must take care of the words limits.
I personally think the second one is better. It says more about you and definitely reflects positively on your writing ability!
If you have time, please critique my essay!
