Here's the prompt and what I have so far. I'm kinda stuck, but I think I have a good start. Like I said, I'm trying to make this Ivy League material. I appreciate your help!
Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience
there, and why is it meaningful to you?
The shot sizzled from acrosse the court down the deuce court sideline, skimming out of my reach and winning the first game of the first set for my opposition from tennis powerhouse (______) High School. I had been on the court for merely five points, when my coach called me over to discuss the adversity at hand, and informed me of my goal to stay on the court as long as possible. "This kid's good," he said. "Try to maybe get a game or two out of him." In high school tennis, this is a coach's way of informing a player that the match is going to be a blowout in the opponent's favor, and previous experience told me it would ultimately serve as a death sentence for the match at hand. I did what any smart player would do with the man who determines who plays and who doesn't, and nodded my head in agreement. What he said next, though simple, would forever change the way I play tennis and look at the world around me. "You have to be accurate. He's a challenging player with a competitive edge." A lightbulb emerged brighter than the sun inside my head after hearing this. Everything I saw coming ahead of me suddenly clicked. Accuracy, challenge, and competition. The combination of these three things were, to me, the perfect arrangement of ideal conditions. With a situation that provides a challenge and strong competition, accuracy is the way to win the challenge. This tennis match was a challenge against one of the best singles players on one of the most competitive teams in the state, and the player who could make the most accurate shots would win. The three elements combined to form the perfect layout, a concept stretching far beyond the white lines of a tennis court.
Knowing what had to be done in this match, I glided back to the baseline of the court with accuracy being the new focus of this challenge. Unloading serves into the court, I began the second phase of my tennis career, and placed each and every shot precisely where it needed to be. Point after point, and game after game, I dismantled my coach's "realistic" goal of a few games. Before I knew it, I faced match point with the ball in my hand to deliver what I hoped would be the final serve of the match. Clank, whoosh, bounce. Ace. I had tied together three simple words that came out of my coach's mouth, and accurately cruised to my most memorable victory in all of my years playing tennis. This sudden realization had made me a better athlete, but it wasn't until I left the courts that everything really came together. All obstacles that I have in life seem to have this same combination of accuracy, challenge, and competition. Teachers challenge students to work hard and do well in school, and students compete with their own minds to receive good grades by accurately absorbing the information thrown at them by teachers. Driving a car presents the challenge of getting from point A to point B, with the competition of the many unaware drivers who could run into my car at any time. To avoid these drivers, I have to accurately navigate the road. And, after all, isn't the college admissions the same idea? I've accepted the challenge to compete among the finest students in the country to find the school that fits me most accurately. Most students dread this process; I can't get enough of it.
Your feedback is appreciated
The shot sizzled from acrosse the court
a good expression with a very minute amounts of corrections required... you have started and ended nicely... what was the real purpose of writing...???
Common app 2014
Mmmm.. Not to be harsh, but I think the main and underlying themes of your piece is very cliche. I also play tennis myself (great fan of Nadal) yet I don't really believe in the essays that narrate how one small trivial event changed their life. I know, your event is not trivial, but perhaps describing yourself as the loser. Tell about your determination, but your failure at the end, and then your rise to become even greater than before.
I've accepted the challenge to compete among the finest students in the country to find the school that fits me most accurately. Most students dread this process; I can't get enough of it .- No. NEVER, NEVER, EVER WRITE THIS! Don't talk about the schools you are applying, zilch, nada, nothing! You can't get enough of it- this is unlikely to me- the college application process is very arduous, how can you love it? It seems that you are being very grandiose about your writing. To an admission officer, I wouldn't believe it. But if it is true, then I don't know. But you need to hear more opinions. It takes a lot for me to admire an essay.
Overall, you have a nice piece that with a bit of editing, can have great potential! Keep up the good work :)
No it's fine better to hear the feedback than not at all. This was kind of a dry run, as it's very early. Should I just get a fresh start and choose something different?
Now, after reading it again and again, I find that it has A LOT OF POTENTIAL. It is a really good essay, just that with a few tweaks here and there, it will be Ivy-League level. But it's up to you. I advise getting more opinions. Think about ALL of the experiences in your life. Think about some unique ones. Did you go fishing? Did you have a sister and shared some memories with her? Did anything tragic happen in your life? IF you suddenly have an epiphany, then go straight on it. That's what I did- I thought of the experiences in my life when I was stuck and I suddenly thought of tons of unique experiences. But if you can't think of anything better, then stick with what you have. But make the corrections like I said in the above post- Talk about you losing the match, but a loss is a gain and how you improved. Be modest and humble.
Haha but I won the match
Yeah... but they don't know that. Tweak it to make it as if you lost a match-- I'm sure you have had a few losses here and there.
Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?
I agree that your essay is extremely well-written. I also agree that your essay emits an off-putting undertone of arrogance. You could very well be matched with applicants writing about how they feel content in the hospital rooms of dying children as they sing to them, giving them and their families some peace and happiness the final moments of those childrens' lives. Meanwhile, you're implying that you feel content competing against others and beating them with your on-point accuracy.
You don't have to lie about the incident or change it; just change the focus. Write about how you feel content playing tennis. Or use the beginning to write about how you were initially nervous (even if you weren't) about facing a player with such a reputation of excellence. And then write about how you ended up realizing that you are content with being challenged and facing others who are better than you, because that brings out the best in you. Then you get your win and your humility.
Best of luck!
