Hi! The following essay is my draft of the Commom App short answer...
Please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
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I still didn't understand the motivation that brought my words "Let me introduce the east campus" during a meeting of volunteers in Huazhong University of Science and Technology, to receive visiting students from Taiwan. Therefore, the repercussions of that self-promotion involved exhausting research and recitation on campus resorts materials and industrious imitation of a decent 'tour guide'...
On that day, the initial hesitating self-introduction wasn't my 'at-ease-inducer' at all, yet it apparently served as a 'laugh-provoker' for the visitors! I suddenly found myself standing among peers whose vivacity - travestying my dialect - overwhelmed my constant tension. 'Why make the circumstance so formal and rigid?' I asked myself, which is when the former 'tour guide' discarded his title merely to become an accommodating companion. And that companion, excluding mechanical repetition, told anecdotes and hence made many laugh. Watching the growth of this companion, I gradually understand the whys of my original temerity.
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It's exactly 150 words. OMG...!
Any advice is welcome. Thank U all in advance!
Hmm... I think you are doing with this essay what you initially did as a tour guide: using unnecessarily ornate language when much simpler phrasing would be much better. The story is great, but the first sentence is so elaborate that I could barely figure it out. Try again, using short simple sentences to tell this charming tale.
Thank you! Simone
I'll figure...
Honestly, I'm not so sure whether to use these complicated words in the first place... And it does contain some complicated sentences. ^_^
Okay, I guess I don't have to think too hard on the vocab part~
I'm revising it...
OK, here is my revision:
Any further advice is highly welcome, thx!
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Suddenly, "Let me introduce the east campus" came out of my mouth, loud and clear. This awkward scene happened on a meeting of volunteers, who will receive visiting students from Taiwan. To keep my word, I rushed to research on the campus' scenic spots. Besides reciting materials, I found imitating a decent 'tour-guide' necessary... The preparation period saw an ordinary me: considerate and serious.
That day, I greeted the visitors with my deep-rooted dialect. However, the speech produced an outburst of laugh, because of my strange tone and stern look. I had no sooner tried to self-introduce than those lively students mimicked me... Despite the embarrassment, I asked myself: 'Why make the circumstance so rigid?' Finally, the tense 'tour-guide' discarded his title and recitation, becoming an accommodating companion. That companion told anecdotes and made many laugh. Watching the growth of him, I gradually understand the whys of my initial words.
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It's also exact 150 words... Is there any way to make it more concise?
And is it necessary to mention the university name? (Here, I omit it due to the word limit...)
