Tepper School of Business & International management; Why Carnegie Mellon?

** I picked business and engineering as my interest. Therefore, I am explaining about them in one-page essay. Do you think the transition between the majors is good? Is this how I am supposed to lead the essay? I am saying I love international management, but then I say I love mechanical engineering... They might think i am flattering or something. But I really am interested in two majors. Any comments on how to make that point effectively?

Carnegie Mellon Supplement Essay

Tepper School of Business has attracted my attention ever since I found myself interested in international management. I can say I was a natural-born businessperson since I was young. When I was a boy, I sold my drawings to my friends. I initially gave my drawings freely, but as more people wanted my drawings, I gave the drawings to the people who offered the most money. Now I realize that I had already been exposed to the principle of supply and demand. My father, a business owner, after listening to my story, gave me a rudimentary knowledge of business and its workings, which I enjoyed.

Because my parents valued diverse cultural experiences, I have traveled in over fifteen countries in the last nine years. Traveling the world, I have learned a lot, including many foreign cultural practices, environments, and the locals' unique lifestyles. Then I realized I am really interested in doing business management internationally. I blindly thought of doing business when I was young, but through the world travel, I found my own conscious interest in international management. Therefore, among many factors that make Tepper School of Business great, the strong information system and operations management programs at Tepper School of Business is what makes it absolutely irresistible for me.

To prepare myself for my prospective international management career, I chose an American high school with many international students. Meeting with different people and making connections interests me the most. With students from all over the world gaining knowledge of world-renowned introduction of management science, I want to continue my study of international management at Tepper School of Business.

As much as I am drawn to a prospective international management career, I also consider mechanical engineering one of my true interest. I had never thought the robots from "Transformers" animation could be actualized in real life. Although I enjoyed watching the animation, I regarded them as imaginary, unable to exist with current technologies. Therefore, when I witnessed HUBO, the first bipedal humanoid robot in Korea, in 2004, I was absolutely amazed. Although there were already some advanced humanoid robots in other countries at the time, I was ignorant of them before. HUBO could see, walk, speak, express its emotion, play rock-paper-and-scissors, and even dance blues with humans. Then, I began wondering about the materials inside HUBO. "What kinds of components make HUBO able to walk?" "How can it move its fingers like that of humans?" Such inquisition made me more interested in majoring in mechanical engineering.

Ranging from the deep ocean to outside of the earth, mechanical engineering is dominating our society today. 
 CMU is advanced in many aspects. With Wireless Andrew, one of the largest wireless networks available on a college campus today, all campus can communicates through the internet. I hope I can be one of chosen students who enjoy the ubiquitous life with its advanced technology within the campus. Also, Diversity Advisory Council(DAC) blahblah + nice facility

^How did you become interested in international management exactly? if you are trying to relate yourself as a businessman, since you were youg, to international management, then the main question is, did you sell these drawings on an international scale?


^...This line is a bit cliched for my liking. The barter system has existed for over a 1000 years, even before educational institues existed. The principle of supply and demand is arguably the simplest thing in business studies.


^What story? When did you tell your father a story?
i do not think your use of the word 'give' is correct.


^Then? When??


^Them? What does 'them' refer to. Especially since nothing in your sentence is in the plural form.


^You do not say how.


^CMU knows this. What does this mean to you?


^Do you know what 'ubiquitous' means? You have used it incorrectly over here.
blah blah is definitely interesting, but i doubt it will do you many favors with the CMU Admissions Committee.

You do not answer the question in enough detail.

^You do not say why you have chosen CMU. Nor do you say why you have chosen those majors, goals or work plans.
(You do not say why you want to study international management or mech engineering at CMU)

You can contrast international management and mechanical engineering against one another. In fact, you can write about the advantages of each and add some tension to this essay by telling the reader that you are having trouble deciding what your focus should be. It can be very useful to use each to give definition to the other.

I think both need to be mentioned in the first para if both are going to be themes for the essay.

I think "Now" seemed confusing, because you jumped up to the present tense. I think "in retrospect" might work better.
In retrospect , I realize that I had already been exposed to the principle of supply and demand.

:-)

How to Prepare/Write Career Goal in Area of Master in International Business

I am planning to pursue my master program in international business. The school requested me to write the reason for chosen the course (Master in International Business) and my career goal. I will appreciate your feed back thanks.

What is your reason to take the course?

Yes, this is the right question. What is the real reason? This is not a contest to see whose reason is best; it is a contest to see who seems the most determined and clear-headed about their meaningful plan to achieve their goals in college.

So... the most impressive thing you can do is read some journal articles and write about the aspects of the field that you want to e a part of. What work do you want to do?