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"Short term," "Five years," "Ten years," and "Thirty years." Undergraduate Transfer Essay

kev510 3 / 6  
Apr 1, 2016   #1

Any help would be greatly appreciated, but if you'd like to know what I'm specifically looking for, I am looking for suggestions regarding the flow of the essay, grammar, word choices, and the overall impact that you think the essay would have. Feel free to change anything you'd like if you feel that it would improve the essay. Thank you!

Note to moderators: I wanted to make this urgent thread, but I couldn't find the way to do that. Could you tell me the instructions for doing that? Click on the Urgent It! button in the top-right corner : )

I sat, slouching over an A4-sized white paper. I had been idling at the desk for fifteen minutes, twirling the pencil in my hand, tapping my foot, and staring at the emptiness of the paper. My mind was chanting magic spells at the paper, hoping that it would fill itself. It never did, just like the time I tried it exactly one year ago on my 15th birthday. Luckily, the first part was easy - draw a horizontal line to divide the paper into two long-halves, and then divide the line into three parts by marking four notches. In Korean, the notches were labeled: "Short term," "Five years," "Ten years," and "Thirty years."

Since I was a teenager, my father emphasized the essentiality of having a timeline of my future with the following main components: goals, dreams, and the tools I would need in order to achieve them. I adhered to these annual rituals just to fulfill the obligation, but without having discovered my passion, I only knew how to fill the timelines with frivolous wishes and platitudes: "Earn a lot of money," "Marry a beautiful wife," and "Find a nice job." Most of it was just a ritual that I used to take for granted, but it subconsciously influenced the choices I made and what I valued.

After graduating high school, I spent four years as a programmer at United Healthcare. I had chosen the career based on financial security and a fancy job title, thus making it worthy of a spot in my timeline. Despite its perks that most people would want, I rarely felt whole, and instead, I felt like a machine. What the heck was I missing?

One of the things I learned as I walked through the real world was the importance of education. Yearning for a new chance to fall in love with learning, I enrolled in a degree program at University of Massachusetts while working part-time. Having a new outlook and an inner desire to be enriched with knowledge enabled me to discover abilities within me that I never knew existed. This secret that naturally changed me from a "C-" high school student to an "A" college student was so tantalizing, that I applied such mindset to other aspects of life.

As I continually searched for meaningful existence beyond the society's standards, I researched and subjected myself to experience the intricacies of different fields. My unbound energy and curiosity may have taken the longer route against Sisyphean norms, but it's how I found my exact God-given purpose in the healthcare field and its related studies, and I wouldn't have chosen to do it any other way.

Something about my hard work directly transforming into other's happiness is more inherently rewarding to me than anything else. When we combine our soul with passion, humanity, and knowledge, it becomes one of the most realistic superpowers that exist in our universe, and it can defeat any obstacles getting in the way of doing the right things. It's the superpower that eventually made my magic spells paint vivid pictures of my future on the timeline, and I can clearly see myself cheerfully walking across New York University's campus, greeting the diversity of bright spirits and the stories that come from all walks of life, and fully embracing the environment where others come to find or feed their passion. I know that New York University is where I won't be considered "unusual" for being soul-side-out. Having the privilege to academically challenge myself again at a place that specializes in (what should I fill this with?) is an exhilarating thought. I must warn everyone though, that this superpower is quite contagious!
Kimbong93 7 / 12 1  
Apr 1, 2016   #2
Dear writer, I am really happy to read your essay. It is completely clear. But let me to give you a suggetion.

Many sentences that you abbreviate, better if you do not abbreviate your sentences. For instance, you use "you'd like ". it is better to use "you would like " and etc

Any help would be greatly appreciated, but if you would like to know what I am specifically looking for, I am looking ...

Thank you.

EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Apr 3, 2016   #3
This is a remarkably good essay. Well written, and in good form. Just a couple of suggestions, however.

You started your essay with an interior monologue. This is interesting...

I sat slouching...

Your description of what your father puts you through is quite personal and riveting to the audience. Anyone can imagine how this might have felt.

I think you should still have a topic sentence though. Somewhere in that paragraph you should introduce the topic of the essay.


"Amidst the early decision making my father put me through I somehow emerged with my own firm values in helping people."

Secondly, transforming into others' happiness...

I think you need to explain in better logic how you came to this conclusion. I found it hard to follow how you got to that point!

You should emphasize your academic inspiration since you are trying to get into a University. What inspired you to try this in the first place- how did you get motivated to try college at all. This then would lead to the conclusion of reason for transfer, and desire to help people.

All in all a good first effort!

OP kev510 3 / 6  
Apr 4, 2016   #4
I am so excited about the great feedbacks, acs121, TJLuschen, EF_Carol, and Kimbong93! Thank you! I'm working on fixing the essay now with your suggestions in mind.

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