Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 5


"The Tesla Coil" -Essay on one of my extracurricular activities for UIUC


Interloper 2 / 5  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

The horses and their riders take their positions behind numbered gates. They see two thousand eyes fixed on their respective gambles. Up ahead, lie several hurdles. Beyond that, glory. For now, it seems like winning is the only thing that matters. You feel ...

After review:

I have changed the structure of the essay and written another intro. At 357 words, it is much closer to the word limit. I have reduced the size of the story too. What do you think?

A faint glow amongst the clouds- a harbinger of what is about to be wrought by Thor in the following milliseconds. Blink and you'll miss it. A blue finger descends from the heavens and taps the ground, reminding us of its power. Blinked? A few more seconds and it will roar at your ignorance. That is the sheer power of electricity.

When I was young, I loved electricity because it allowed me to play games on my computer and watch movies. At seventeen, I love electricity for every bit of science behind it. So, one day when my physics teacher informed my class about a science fair that was going to be held later that month, my two team mates and I decided to build a Tesla Coil- a device that generates very high voltages and sparks that are several inches long.

Knowing that building this device could offer me an opportunity to learn a lot more than my physics textbook could offer, we embarked on the project.

We scourged industrial areas for the required materials and made parts that we could not find on our own such as the capacitors, which we made using aluminum foil, glass jars and salt water. We spent about a week building the device and when we finally tested it, we were disappointed to know that it didn't function properly.

Although we managed to improve the device, it still wasn't as efficient as we wanted it to be. On the day of the fair, we impressed several visitors and some of the judges. And contrary to how a story of hard work and diligence would end, we lost.

As I thought more about the entire journey- The modest beginning, the science and, unavoidably, the loss- the more rewarding I found it. My hard work didn't pay off through the ephemeral beauty of a trophy, but through the everlasting knowledge I had gained. Furthermore, my contentment while working on the project reinforced my decision to study Electrical and Electronics Engineering.

I wish to work on similar projects in college and continue to expand my understanding of the strange buzz we call electricity.

____
It's a bit over the limit with 418 words. If you feel the horse thing is unnecessary, I have written another essay with a different "outer structure". If you feel that might be better, tell me. I will post it.

Thanks! :D
knattagh 3 / 13  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
I think 418 is way to much. Although the horse thing is nice and cute, I would elaborate more on the science of your project. I think it is a little to much like a novel, for example, I would leave out the part about the bell ringing and stuff like that.

elaborate on:

where your love for electricity came from

how you went about solving the problems you encountered.
ex: why did the foil not work so well (get scientific)

What you would do next time.

What you learned.
about yourself
about science

Also...

I think they may assume that you are not very sure about your major if a project that only took you one month is what "made" you decide that you like working with electricity.

Consider the following:
It helped me realize my latent interest in the physics of electricity.

I like how you write about not getting first place though, you make a loss seem like a victory and that shows that your motivated and optimistic

Now some thoughts on grammar...

Too many paragraphs, blend them together...but with careful transitions. You should read your essay and it should feel like the essay ended right after it began.

Replace "things" in para. 3 with "parts"

"With what we could not find, such as the capacitors, we made on our own. We accomplished this by...."
OP Interloper 2 / 5  
Dec 29, 2010   #3
Thanks for the suggestions!
I'll work on it :D
graceee 3 / 8  
Dec 31, 2010   #4
A faint glows amongst the clouds...

Blink, and you'll miss it.

At the age of seventeen, I loved electricity for every bit of science behind it.

W hen my physics teacher informed my class about the science fair, my two teammates and I decided to build ...

... an opportunity to learn more than my physics textbook could offer...

... own such as the capacitors by using aluminum foil, glass ...

We spent about a week building the device, and when we finally ...

C ontrary to how a story of hard ...

As I thought more about the entire journey-t he modest beginning, the science and, unavoidably, the loss-the more rewarding I found.

... reinforced my decision to study e lectrical and e lectronics e ngineering.

... my understanding of the strange buzz, which we call 'electricity.'

I love the intro.. very interesting and original! :) Good job, and good luck on your application!
OP Interloper 2 / 5  
Dec 31, 2010   #5
Thanks! Apart from the grammar, how well do you think this essay answers the prompt?


Home / Undergraduate / "The Tesla Coil" -Essay on one of my extracurricular activities for UIUC
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳