First off, the question asks you to write about someone who
has made an impact on your life. Therefore, I think it'd be more appropriate to mention 1 person and go into details about how he/she made what kind of an impact. Try to think about specific pieces of advice this person gave you and/or interesting anecdotes to elaborate your point. This is pretty much what
shalini singh mentioned already. The general remarks will not provide the admission officers with much insight.
Secondly, the intro is a bit too long and lacks in substance. The essay doesn't require you to pick the one that has made
the most impact, so I don't think you should be too worried about making your choice, though I understand it's not always too easy to pick one. You can maybe sum up your feelings about this matter in a couple of sentences, but the intro, as it stands now, is too wordy and quite frankly, boring.
Lastly, I agree with
EF_Susan that this part:
The thought that I have a little girl who looks up to me always encourages me to do the right thing. In dealing with others, I try to treat people like I would like my sister to be treated because I only want the best for her.
is great.
Maybe it'd be a good idea to expand from this you know, think about one of those particular instancies in which she really made you feel that way and so on.
Good luck with your essay!