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Texas A&M university in Qatar: patience and hard work, - personal statement

tbvjaos555 7 / 11  
Jan 8, 2011   #1
Hi, this is my personal statement. please edit it :D

One can apparently make 12,148 paper swans from one piece of A4 paper. Though I have often tried to imagine how this was possible, it was figures such as these that first piqued my interest in origami. At the age of six, I learned about Origami for the first time. My father had to hide his documents every single day or else run the risk of seeing them turned into ducks or swans. When I started school, I was able to dazzle my friends, and sometimes even my teachers, with the skills of my craft.

My abilities extend beyond origami however and in the course of my life, I have been lucky enough to experience many different cultures and traditions. Through my travels to places, I have been able to use my experience to gain an appreciation for how lucky I am to be in a position to go to university and get a degree. Many of the children I encountered in these countries will not get such opportunities and I am thankful that my situation allows me to pursue a career that I want.

I still remember the kid who I met in Thailand. It has nearly similar culture, tradition and customs compared with the countries I have been before. But I can still remember a huge difference between Thailand and those countries. As I had taken the first step on Thailand, the only English I could hear was "One dollar." Desperate parents in Thailand often teach their children how to say "One dollar" even before they teach their children how to say "Mamma" and "Papa." Foreigners are taught to resist their gut reactions and not give even the smallest sum to children begging on the street. Nevertheless, I could not pretend not to see little baby begging me money in the street. Even if I refused to give 'One dollar' to her, she was smiling with a rose.

Three years ago, I moved to Qatar and this has given me an insight into a completely different culture and experience. The first year in Qatar was a baptism of fire for me. I was the only Korean at my school, and for a while, I relied almost solely on gestures. I had to come to terms with the English language as well as a new culture. The climate also presented many challenges for me and at times I longed for the rainy seasons of my home in Changwon, Korea. I was waiting in the wings, hoping that to be better without seeing any tears or hear of any complaining from myself.

Years later they started to call me fast learner and I was the very one who share information to the others. Despite these difficulties, I have managed to be accepted by my classmates and teachers as a productive member of the school. I am recognized as someone who is not afraid of hard work and perseverance. I have even used my skills in origami to good effect and I am lucky to have such wonderful friends and colleagues.

My time in Qatar has taught me that patience and hard work bear fruit. I will strive to apply what I have learned from my experiences to my college life and beyond. I hope that this will lead to a rich and rewarding career.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 4, 2011   #2
I'm sorry it took so long for you to get any help! :-)

My father had to hide his documents every single day or else run the risk of seeing them turned into ducks or swans.

Ha ha, excellent.

Okay, at the end of that first paragraph, I am still wondering what the theme, the message of the essay will be. I feel like a sentence is missing from the end of that first paragraph. I always try to give a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that will capture the "message of the essay" in a single sentence.

Okay, and I have another idea for you. Just as the last sentence of the intro paragraph is an important one, the FIRST sentence of a body paragraph also plays an important role. Try to capture the main idea of the paragraph in your topic sentence. That is not ALWAYS what writers need to do (no real rules in writing or any art), but it will help here:

I still remember the kid who I met in Thailand . This is not a great topic sentence. Look at each paragraph is a cool idea that "supports" the main idea of the essay... and express each paragraph's main idea in the PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.


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