I'm sorry it took so long for you to get any help! :-)
My father had to hide his documents every single day or else run the risk of seeing them turned into ducks or swans.
Ha ha, excellent.
Okay, at the end of that first paragraph, I am still wondering what the theme, the message of the essay will be. I feel like a sentence is missing from the end of that first paragraph. I always try to give a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that will capture the "message of the essay" in a single sentence.
Okay, and I have another idea for you. Just as the last sentence of the intro paragraph is an important one, the FIRST sentence of a body paragraph also plays an important role. Try to capture the main idea of the paragraph in your topic sentence. That is not ALWAYS what writers need to do (no real rules in writing or any art), but it will help here:
I still remember the kid who I met in Thailand
. This is not a great topic sentence. Look at each paragraph is a cool idea that "supports" the main idea of the essay... and express each paragraph's main idea in the PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.