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Things I've done during my gap year - working in the paints store


rnsnz18 10 / 33 4  
Dec 29, 2016   #1
MIT Asks me what I have been doing if I'm not attending school right know, the world limit is 400, I don't think this essay really looks for a polished writing so I focused on explainong everything I've done. Thanks in

advance for any comments and suggestions.

the paints store experience



I alwas planned to be studying in College right after High School, but 2016 has been the worst year for my family. The decease of my two grandfathers significantly affected my family and our economic situation changed drastically. My father worked in my grandfather's business but it closed after my grandfather's dead. Since then my dad's been working in my uncle's paints business.

I decided not to start college this year and instead help my dad in his work, with his new job my father wasn't able to pay for my education and my mother can't work because of health problems Starting College one year later won't affect my education and taking this year off will help a lot to my family. Fortunately, the paints store is passing through a prosperity period and I hope to start College next year. As I know working in this store would take most of my time these months, I decided to help on the systems area of the business in order to stay fresh on academical issues. For instance, I managed the billing, the inventory system and designed some advertising banners. I also implemented the bar code scanner so we didn't have to memorize the price of every paint can or paintbrush. These activites made me go back to look my computer science courses of High School. Additionally, having access to the store's computer allowed me to take some of your free online courses like 18.01SC of Single Variable Calculus and 18.05 Introduction to Probabilty and Statistics, for the next months I'm planning to study the Introduction to Analysis course.

Although my time of Mathematical Olympiads finished after I graduated from High school, I've been solving math olympiad problems in my free time these months. During my period as a math olympian I saw solving problems more as fun than study for the contests, so I decided to continue doing this. Besides, it prevents me of getting rusty on mathematics. I also have been continuing with my labor as a math trainer. As I have more free time, I dedicated myself to improve these math trainings in the state, which resulted very well since my state won the national olympiad this year. Additionally, I've been practicing my english every day with my uncle and also I took the Basic course of a French Program and plan to take the Intermediate course.

khizirsiddiqui 2 / 3 1  
Dec 29, 2016   #2
Your essay is nicely knit. There are just some sentences that I feel you should edit. They are either grammatically incorrect or could be presented in a better form. Some examples being:

The decease (...) affected my family and our economic situation changed drastically. My father [...] in my uncle's paints business.

You can change it to: My grandfather's business closed after his death and my dad who used to work there had to shift to my uncle's paint business. It drastically deteriorated our economic condition.

Further: ...online courses like 18.01SC of Single Variable Calculus and 18.05 Introduction to Probabilty and Statistics... You should avoid using such specific technical names as the readers might not be knowing about them. Instead you may provide the names of sources of these courses (like EdX, MIT Courseware etc.).

You should also work on grammatically improving your last paragraph. Also, edit it to present you in a more promising way.
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,017 2713  
Dec 29, 2016   #3
Anonym, you definitely need to polish this essay along with making the content more understandable for the reviewer. It is really a very confusing essay to read. If this is your gap year, then you should speak of your grandparents death in past tense. In fact, you can just integrate it into the second paragraph by saying:

My grandfather on both sides of my parents died last year. Since he worked for his father, he had to handle some financial problems my grandfather left when he died. Needless to say the unexpected death severely handicapped our finances so my father was only able to barely answer for our family's financial needs. That is why I had to delay attending college for a year. Since our finances have stabilized, I am now looking forward to attending college next year.

I have not been idle during my gap year. I have spent most of my time helping my dad at the family business. My participation there has helped me keep abreast of my academic education because...


I hope my example of how to better develop the essay can help you develop the rest of the statement. Your work has potential. You just have not applied yourself properly to its development. Please work hard on this essay in all aspects. This essay can help you get into college if written properly.
OP rnsnz18 10 / 33 4  
Dec 30, 2016   #4
Thank you both!!
@Holt
I have wrote again the essay with the suggestions you made, you've been really helpful and as a result I had more space to add more things I did but couldn't add them because of the word limit (which is 400).I hope you can read my new essay and tell me if this works well now

I planned to be studying my first year of College right after High School, but 2016 has been the worst year for my family. My grandfather on both sides of my parents died last year. Since my dad worked for his father, he had to handle some financial problems that my grandfather left when he died. Needless to say, the unexpected death severely affected our finances so my father was only able to barely answer for our family's financial needs. Besides, my mother couldn't help my father because she developed a disease after his father died. That's why I had to delay attending college for a year. Since our finances have stabilized, I am now looking forward to attending college next year.

As I knew working with my father would take most of my time, I decided to take advantage of it. My participation there has helped me keep abreast of my academic education because I involved myself on the systems area of the business. For instance, I managed the billing, the inventory system and designed some advertising banners. Moreover, I implemented the bar code scanner so we didn't have to memorize the price of every item on sale. All these activities made me go back to look my computer science courses that I took in High School.

In addition to computer science, I have been studying languages as well. Now that my grandfather died, my aunt from Idaho moved with my grandmother and I had the opportunity to practice my English every time I visited her. Furthermore, I took the Basic Level of a French Course and I plan to continue with the Intermediate Level the next months.

My gap year also allowed me to have more time of study and improve my participation on two more mathematical Olympiads. The last one was the Iberoamerican Olympiad on September. After that competition, my participation as a Math Olympian ended but I continued solving math problems. I really enjoyed doing it, besides, it maintained my mind fresh on mathematics. I also have been continuing with my labor as a math trainer. As I had more free time, I dedicated myself to enhance these math trainings in the state, which resulted very well since my state won the national Olympiad this year.
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,017 2713  
Dec 30, 2016   #5
Wow! This is a very good improvement It has more focus now and is really clear in the message that it wants to relay to the reviewer. One point for correction, please do not say your mother had a disease as it connotes something negative. Rather, just say that your mother was ill, use the term ill so that it becomes logical that she can get better with medical care. Disease makes her situation sound highly contagious when it wasn't. So let's keep things on the down low. She got sick, she needed treatment that required the funneling of funds to medical care so you delayed your entrance into college for a year. Now, when you talk about learning languages, it would be better if you do not say that you have been studying English. Let the reviewer think that your English is perfect. Impress him instead, by saying that you are studying entry level French instead. That shows a clear academic development throughout the year. Just talking to your aunt in English doesn't really deliver the same impact and academic relevance. The rest of the essay is good. I would not want to change anything in it at this point.
OP rnsnz18 10 / 33 4  
Dec 30, 2016   #6
@Holt
Thank you very much, your "wow" means a lot to me, i will make those changes you suggested, I think you're right about the english matter, my toefl score should talk by itself. I wonder how well you know the mit admission process, i still have two more essays to do, the one with the world i came from and the one with a challenge i faced, those are due to january 1st so i will post them tomorrow to see what i can improve about them, again, thanks a lot!.


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