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"the things that require hard work are the most rewarding" - Personal Statement


Chatrat 1 / 4  
Oct 29, 2010   #1
Hello, I was hoping someone could help me with my personal statement. The requirements are that it be around 500 words or less.

Here it goes

I believe there are many facets that shape your life. For instance the people you are exposed to, challenges you experience or roadblocks you may have to overcome, all have an effect on who you are. While I have had many challenges and roadblocks there is one particular event that has made a great impact on my life. It was the summer of my sophmore year; my dad took me on a hike. Not just any hike, but we...

(this is approximately 510 words)
UK Essayist - / 2  
Oct 29, 2010   #2
Hi. I'm not sure what kind of help you're looking for, but the edited version is below:

I believe there are many facets that shape your life. For instance, the people you are exposed to, challenges you experience or roadblocks you may have to overcome; all have an effect on who you are. While I've have had many challenges and roadblocks, there is one particular event that has made a great impact on my life. It was the summer of my sophomore year. My dad took me on a hike. Not just any hike, but we hiked Mt. Whitney. Standing at 14,505 feet, it is the tallest mountain in the contiguous United States.

My father and I took the less traveled Mountaineer's route. With our 65-pound pack on our backs we set out just before sunrise. We hiked for about 4 hours before we took a break. I was exhausted. We found a natural water spring where I soaked my newly blistered feet. We finished our lunch and set out again. Three hours later we reached a crevasse between two ridges and decided to stop for the night. We needed to get acclimated to the altitude before we began the hand over fist portion of the climb. I was exhausted and thankful for the rest.

Shortly after the sun rose, we ate our breakfast bar (I can't believe that this is what was supposed to sustain me, but at least it was light to carry). The next part of the climb was actually the shortest distance, but also the most treacherous. My feet were burning from my newly open blisters, my fingers were raw from reaching between the rocks, but the worst part of all was that I was feeling sick and lightheaded from the altitude, ('how much further' I thought to myself). I wanted to give up. We haven't seen another soul since we started out the day before. I mean, who in their right mind would climb up 14,505 feet? I pushed myself to keep going and finally I saw the top ledge. I found a sudden burst of energy as I pulled myself up over the ledge. I did it! I actually made it and it was even more beautiful than I had imagined. I was standing on top of Mt. Whitney.

Across the top of the peak stood a stone shack; within the shack was a book with the signatures of previous climbers. I added my name to the very short list of the Mountaineer's route successors with a great sense of pride. I was on cloud-nine and I felt an amazing sense of accomplishment. That was when I realized that the things that require hard work are the most rewarding. That accomplishment alone has given me a new sense of success. I know that I can do anything as long as I work at it. I have since then taken that drive and motivation and successfully applied it to other aspects of my life. I have been inspired to want to be great and learn all that I can learn, I enjoy a challenge. I am excited to enter college and can't wait to see the many great things I can accomplish.

Also, check out these articles I've writen about writing a good admissions essay - hope this helps:

Writing a Successful College Application Essay:
College Essay Topics:
OP Chatrat 1 / 4  
Oct 29, 2010   #3
Thank you, that does help.
What do you think of the essay? do you think this would be a good personal statement? I was hoping to convay that I am outgoing and motivated. I love challenges and am not afraid to work hard, do you think that came across in this essay?

Thank you for your input I really appreciate it..
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 6, 2010   #4
Hi Devin, welcome to EssayForum!

Welcome to you, too, Beth. Beth, I am trying to let everyone know it is better if you edit individual sentences instead of pasting the whole essay. That helps us in a few different ways and forces the student to interact with the edit, possible improving her or his grammar. So please paste individual sentences that need corrections.

And thanks for participating!

I believe there are many facets that shape your life.

I think this will be the wrong use of "facet." A facet is an aspect of something, not particularly useful for shaping anything.

BUT you can write about facets of your life. That would be a good use of the word.


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