i am applying to the university of the people and i have to write an essay on the above topic, below is the essay, i hope that you can help me to make corrections to the essay as soon as possible so that i can wrap it up.thanks in advance.
A university education is one of the most important goals in the life of an individual in the twenty first century, this is because of the opportunities it endows on one with respect to one's livelihood as well as the highly competitive world of the labour market. Employers of labour are looking not just fort technical skills and knowledge of a degree discipline but rather they particularly value skills such as communication, team working, objectivity, problem solving as well as effective time management. All of these are mainly part of what one will gain in the process of studying for a university degree.
A degree in Computer Science from the University of the people will more than equip me with all of the aforementioned advantages and also elevate my status in the society. Coming from a third world country where majority of the people subsist on less than two dollars daily, it has been very difficult for me to get a sound education as the educational sector is crippled by strike and inadequate funding of the higher institutions by the Federal Government.
In a country of one hundred and forty million people where two million college seekers are being churned out on a yearly basis whereas the available institutions are barely equipped to cater for Two Hundred and Fifty Thousand students annually. This situation has given rise to unhealthy competition for the few slots available thereby breeding corruption in the selection process as only those who can afford to pay huge sums of money as bribe to the admission officers are given admission. The unfortunate ones are then only left with the option of attending very expensive private universities or rather go and learn a trade while biding their time for the next admission season. The cumulative effect of this is that the price of getting admission keeps sky-rocketing until it eventually eclipses the dreams of the common people.
In today's world of modern technology, studying at the University of the People would provide me with all of the prerequisite needed in the highly competitive world of professional level employment. I shall have gained an improved information handling skill such as researching, analyzing and presentation (verbally and in writing).I would also have been required to take seasoned perspective on numerous topics while taking into account others' perspectives. My ability to communicate, manage time effectively, meet deadlines, juggle commitments and work with other people will also be enhanced. All of which are valuable assets to have in the workplace where roles and relationships are often complex.
As a student of the university of the People in Nigeria, i shall feel greatly honoured to be able to share the good news of the humanitarian services being offered by your distinguished institution to the many millions of people who are hopefully waiting for an opportunity to get a higher education. That aside, i truly believe that the quality of education at the University of The people is much more than that obtainable at any and all of the state and federal institutions in the country as most of these universities were established during the colonial era and they have been neglected by the government over the past years. This is also one of the reasons why the entire higher institutions in the country are on strike at the moment.
"just fort technical skills" (P1)
turn "knowledge of a degree discipline" to "knowledge within a discipline" (P1)
"but rather, they particularly value skills such as
communication, team working, objectivity, problem solving as well as effective time management."
Keep the italicized words
I'll be honest, i like what your doing and where your going with this, but there are a million places like the ones above where you sound like a robot
It is a problem of mine as well, i'll tell you right now
But you have to work on minimizing your words so that you are more concise If you can do that, you're golden
A degree in Finance from the University of Melbourne will equip me with all of the aforementioned advantages and elevate my status in the society.
^No. The degree itself can not give you those advantages. Degrees typically offer an improved knowledge base in an academic discipline. I fail to see how your status can be elevated in society, and why that even matters to you.
Coming from a third world country where majority of the people subsist on less than two dollars daily, it has been very difficult for people to get a sound education as the educational sector is crippled by strike and inadequate funding of the higher institutions by the Federal Government.
^How is this relevant to you? Apart from the first clause, nothing really is...
In today's world of modern technology, studying at the University of Melbourne will provide me with the prerequisite needed in the highly competitive world of professionals.
^What is the 'prerequisite'.
I shall have gained an improved information handling skill such as researching, analyzing and presentation.
^
Not parallel. How can these attributes improve?
I would also have been required to take seasoned perspective ...
^Again, how?
All of which are valuable assets ... are often complex.
The reason to choose Master ... design of this course. The courses offered by the this program which are related to Econometrics, International Business Finance, Financial Institutions Management (this is a very import subject in view of recent collapse of financial institutes across the globe) and Advanced Derivative Securities will give me an edge in my home country where these subjects are virtually non existent and will enable me take a lead role in the upcoming and emerging financial market of my country.[/quote]
*Look, your personal statement is way too vague.
You show no interest in the subject it is you want to study, and you show no interest as to why you would want to study that subject at te University of Melbourne.
Your essay needs a lot of improvement. A lot.
I agree with Liebe:
None of this is necessary. They know very well what individuals in the 21st century need. The subject of this essay is you. The purpose of the introduction is to introduce you. You do not appear here at all except peripherally and presumably as among the billions of people now alive in the 21st century.
Next, you go on to tell them what courses they offer. They can read the course catalog and, indeed, don't need to do so since they devised the curricula. Nor do they need you to tell them about the awards they have won. The subject of the essay is supposed to be you.
Start over.
Choose a quality or set of qualities that you want the admissions officer to know about you. Decide what experiences you have had that show these qualities. Write up anecdotes about these experiences and write a new essay centered around them.
Thanks i'il do that right away.i was wondering if you could help me with a befitting closing paragraph
