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"I think about my upcoming life" - Overcoming a challenge, application essay for WPI


paintball ron 2 / 2  
Oct 14, 2010   #1
What does this essay say about me as a person? Did I use the hyphen correctly in the third paragraph? Also, do the paragraphs, sentences, or the entire essay seem short? Oh and do I need a title? If so I imagine something along the lines of "Moving on" or something involving high school would be appropriate.Thanks in advance for all who help.

My final days in middle school were the hardest in my life; I had spent the last ten years in a single school and now had to take the leap into high school. I had been with the same people; they were my friends, as close as family. As hard as it was, I had to say goodbye. We were spreading out and going to different schools; I would be alone. I knew things would never be the same, but I didn't quite understand that it was all part of growing up.

I took my first steps into high school, still the same person I was the year before. I had to adapt, to learn how to survive on my own. I struggled with this new school, this newfound (is this one or two words?) freedom. I started to make friends and meet new people, but they weren't close friends. I always had a place in me for my true friends, but at the time, that place was empty.

The following year I started to come outside my shell and leave my comfort zone. I became focused. I was more active and doing better in class- and I was finally growing up. I was more motivated, and realized how important school was. I started to enjoy it again. This empty place inside me had finally started to fill up.

I began my work career and my junior year almost at the same time. I took on the responsibilities of an adult and a teenager simultaneously, and did not let the two mingle; I always put school before anything else. By this time I finally felt at home again, I felt like things were right, that I belonged. Nevertheless, as a junior I knew that I couldn't stay in this stage forever; I knew I had to move on soon.

Now it is senior year and after three years of making changes and adapting to this new place, it is time to get ready to leave yet again. I have true friends finally, but I know I can't stay with them forever and I accept that. My empty place had been filled, but (should i put "now" here?) I would have to empty it all over again. Every day college is on my mind; I think about my upcoming life and I feel the pressure, but I'm determined. The future waits with open arms, and this time I am eager to take a step into a new world that had struck me with fear so many years ago. It will still be difficult but easier now. I know I have to start all over, and I know I have to say goodbye once more, but I will be ready this time, this time I'm prepared.
niina 2 / 8  
Oct 14, 2010   #2
I sort of feel like this essay is a little too negative.. If I had been the admissions officer, this essay might have made me question if you were going to be totally uncomfortable, shy and struggling through your freshman year in college too. In the first paragraph, you make changing schools sound very dramatic, but I think you could change that easily enough. For instance; "My final days in middle school were the hardest in my life" sounds way too dramatic when you're talking about something everyone has to go through.

You can probably still make the theme work, but I think you should focus more on what you learned from changing schools, and how you're going to use that knowledge to keep you from struggling when you go on to college. That way the reader is left with an impression of a student who knows his mistakes and how to fix them, instead of an insecure person who doesn't really sound too optimistic about college..:)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 18, 2010   #3
I use 2:
I was more active and doing better in class -- and I was finally growing up. I was more motivated, and realized how important school was. I started to enjoy it again.

In microsoft word, doing that makes it appear as a dash instead of a hyphen.

Ha ha, you have a lot of questions. Well, the paragraphs do not seem too short.

But extend the first paragraph just a little:
I knew things would never be the same, but I didn't quite understand that it was all part of growing up.(add thesis sentence here, a sentence that conveys your most important message or theme)

Titles Are Meaningful
I think a title is always good. In fact, sometimes I even give my argument a title when I am talking to someone face to face. A title is a lot like a thesis sentence or a slogan. It is good communication to use a title.

Toward the end of the essay, use a term, word, or concept that you used in that thesis statement you are adding to the first paragraph. Some discussion of a concept that expresses your main idea is what will make the essay more powerful. I do think you are on the right track!
OP paintball ron 2 / 2  
Oct 19, 2010   #4
Thanks so much for the feedback guys, I really appreciate it! I'm going to take some of your advice and change this up a bit, but at least I still have a few weeks before i have to submit. =) Oh and sorry for all the questions, just trying to get this right. Thanks again!


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