I would love some feedback. I would greatly appreciate it. This is my 4th draft over a few weeks. Basically the prompt is tell us about yourself, who you are, challenges,etc. It's very general.
A Thinking Person
Ok. This is my final draft. It has been through many revisions and I believe this is a winner! Feel free to let me know. I've consulted with friends and this is the result!
The most meaningful question we can ask ourselves; are we interconnected with one another? This interconnection determines whether we are an active participant or a nonchalant bystander watching from the sidelines. Each person is a vast cavern of knowledge; lessons learned that can enrich our lives. We are molded by our experiences; without them we are empty shells. We must interact within society and give of ourselves.
I volunteered as a mediator for Dispute Resolution Services on my campus. I chose to be a mediator in order to expand my horizons. I wanted to learn, to understand and test through application the various methods of conflict resolution. It proved to be an extremely enlightening experience. I gained valuable insight into the human experience and how different individuals view the same experience differently. That single tidbit of knowledge has made a significant difference in how I approach most things in my life and it is especially valuable when conflicts arise.
A particular case comes to mind involving a broken television. A student assumed one of his roommate's broke the TV over the summer. The other person stated he did not break it. The TV sat on a television stand. One of the legs had weakened. Hence the TV was a casualty. The owner wasn't there so he assumed his colleague contributed to its destruction. The TV owner had no proof the other guy did it; mediation was voluntary so maybe he felt some responsibility. The dispute was resolved on neutral ground by one party offering a monetary fee to partially cover the repair costs. The other mediator in the room was a lawyer. His "arm twisting" didn't hurt either. While no one gained all they sought, no one lost all they feared either. It may seem like a small accomplishment but I consider it a high point and a positive learning experience for all involved.
I entered the 8th Bernard C. Kissel Student Speaker Competition in March of two thousand, seven. I chose to speak on the importance of helping families in need. I had the opportunity to converse with other contestant's, we formed a bond; we shared suggestions, tips and ideas with one another. We interconnected and it enriched us all. One contestant told me she "loved my voice" and it "makes her want to believe." Any person working on something important to them would love that sentiment. When I revisit her words I realize, in some profound way, they were my reward. My job was to persuade my audience to become active participants, to accept the daunting task of helping families in need. If I was able to rally one person to action I consider that success glorious.
One of the most meaningful groups I participate in is the Student Conduct Board. Students who violate the rules must appear before a panel of students and teachers. I embrace working with students who learn from their mistake and I confess; I learn from their mistakes as well. It is an exercise in problem solving and I can't resist these challenges.
In one particular case a student cheated on an assignment for class. He decided to copy and paste information from Wikipedia without citing sources. He assumed since it was an online class that the teacher wouldn't check their work; the class had 150 students. He was not a college freshman; he was a junior. Citing sources is taught before secondary education. Rules are rules and we had to decide accordingly regardless of intention. He was suspended for a semester and then put on probation for a semester after that.
At the end of each hearing each individual board member has an opportunity to inject our own values, to impart our own personal words of wisdom if you will. , "We all know the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. It probably wasn't true. It was a story about his character. What story will people tell to portray your character?" Being on the Student Conduct Board gave me a chance to reach that person and maybe change his outlook on life.
You may notice a common theme woven into this narrative. I gravitate towards conflict. My inner desire is to solve problems. I want to help people but at the same time I understand wanting in not enough. Wanting doesn't qualify me to help those who need it. I must be more than simply some guy off the street who wants to help.
I need training, education and a lot of it. That's why I want to be an attorney. I don't understand the intricacies, the minute details of law. What I do understand how vital that knowledge is in order to be effective in the role of advocate. The learning that takes place within the doors of a law school excites me. I want to be a part of those discussions, I want to debate those ideas and concepts but most of all I want to learn.
In retrospect, virtually everything I've encountered and all the choices I've made are steering me toward a career in law. I care about people. To act on that caring is fundamental to my philosophy and it's essential for growth of my soul. Life may be a labyrinth or a cross word puzzle but I am certain lessons can be learned. I am equally certain my destiny is to spend the rest of life dealing with problems and finding real solutions. Our positive participation in society is vital. It is essential that humanity gain wisdom; that it moves forward, that it progresses. We must do all these things; not only for the sake of continuing our stable societal institutions, but to improve the very nature of man.
You have several good themes here that do address the prompt well. However, they seem to be woven together awkwardly. Several of the descriptions seem forced. The sentence structure is unnatural.
Here are some specific examples.
I'm a thinking person. I believe people are defined by their participation within humanity. Inside each person are vast caverns of knowledge, lessons learned that can enrich the lives of many.We are shaped by our experiences; without them we are empty shells of something non human. I believe that we must interact within our world and contribute to society.
I recently entered the 8th annual Bernard C. Kissel Outstanding Student Speaker Competition in March of two thousand and seven. My subject was on Universal Health Care. The thing that shook me the most was people at risk are not individuals who don't want to work, but families that spend their lives working day in and day out. Before the competition I had the chance to talk with other contestant's .We shared suggestions and ideas with one another. One contestant told me she "loved my voice" and it "makes her want to believe." Any person who is working on something important to them would love that sentiment. I missed the finals by three points, but in some way her words were my reward instead of winning.
What I like about participating in this contest, is the ability to give knowledge to people, letting them know what's going on. My job was to persuade my audience about the importance of universal health care. If one person knows the seriousness of the issue then I succeeded.
I was also a mediator for Dispute Resolution Services on campus. I chose being a mediator in order to understand various ways to resolve conflict between people. I had to attain a required twenty hours of training. I gained valuable insight into the human experience and how they are viewed differently. In a certain case, a television was broken. One roommate assumed a particular person in the apartment broke it. I listened and learned from my mediation partner who was a lawyer. He was good at laying down the facts and "twisting arms" to get a solution everyone could live with.
One of my most meaningful groups I participate in is the Student Conduct Board. Students who break the rules will come before a panel of students and professors. I embrace working with students who may have made a mistake .Sometimes they may need a little guidance that would allow them to learn from their wrong choices.
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Try writing your first draft unconcerned with who will read it. This way you focus on being more natural. Then, you can edit to add strength where you need it.
We are shaped by our experiences; without them we are empty shells of something non human.
That was a run on sentence until I added the semicolon. Now, right after that sentence, you need to write the thesis sentence, which captures the central meaning of the essay. What is the main point of the essay? End the first, short paragraph with that meaningful sentence.
Then move on to the next idea in the second paragraph:
When I was a young child...
I can't believe the doctor said that!! Actually, did the doctor really say that? Because I almost don't believe it, and maybe neither will the admissions person. If the doctor did say that, simply because of hyperactivity, that would be crazy...
Anyway, make a new paragraph for every new thought. That is how to organize your writing, like eharvey was talking about.
About the word "intangible," you might change it to "meaningful"
Good luck!!!!!!
yes, it's true.. i should add more to the story. i feel now that story can be told in another time and place. I have reworked my essay. I'm a good writer and I feel that I needed change my thesis and that guided the rest of my narrative. So if you guys or girls have any comments on my new and improved personal statement feel free.
I care about people; caring about people is fundamental to my philosophy and it's essential for growth of the soul.
This is great!!! You still have room for improvement if you take out a few of the weakest sentences. Stephen King advises us to revise our work by making every draft 10% less than the previous draft. See if you can find ways to say some things in fewer words, or with better rhythm. However, it is great already!
At the end of each hearing, we all have the opportunity to give some words of wisdom. I remember telling him: "We all know the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. It probably wasn't true. It was a story about his character. Imagine what they will say in 10 or 15 years about you. What story will people tell to portrayyour character?" I feel My optimism and humility gave me a chance to reach that person and maybe change his outlook on life.
Your second draft is more focused, hence stronger, than your first. After cutting down on your word count, as per Kevin's suggestion, you might want to use the extra space you have created to add some more details to those anecdotes you've used. You tend to give interesting examples that you leave unresolved. For instance, "In a certain case, a television was broken. One roommate assumed a particular person in the apartment broke it. I listened and learned from my mediation partner who was a lawyer. He was good at laying down the facts and 'twisting arms' to get a solution everyone could live with." Did you find out who actually broke the television? Was it the person the roommate had assumed? What solution did you come up with? Likewise, "In one particular case I had a young man who cheated in on an assignment for one of his classes. At the end of each hearing we all have the opportunity to give some words of wisdom. I remember telling him "We all know the story about George Washington and the cherry tree." How did the young man react? Did your words reach him, or did he ignore you? If you flesh out your examples, your essay will be much stronger.
I entered the 8th Bernard C. Kissel Student Speaker Competition in March of 2007 .
I embrace working with students who learn from their mistakes and I confess; I learn from their mistakes as well.
What I do understand is how vital that knowledge is in order to be effective in the role of advocate.
I am equally certain my destiny is to spend the rest of my life dealing with problems and finding real solutions.
Good essay!
