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Third person perspective essay? too pretentious?

sungjeezy 1 / 3  
Dec 27, 2010   #1
hello. I am doing a third person essay about how found my purpose in life. In my essay, I describe a situation that i was put in and my thoughts during that time in an third person perspective. But some of these situations are achievement-based. But i'm afraid that it will sound too pretentious. I am not in the slightest bit, but my teachers told me to sell myself....

Any advice?

Reaper1Shi 7 / 25  
Dec 27, 2010   #2
I think we can only help you if you elaborate more. Perhaps you can put up a detailed outline?
OP sungjeezy 1 / 3  
Dec 27, 2010   #3
i can put up what i have so far....

What is the purpose of life? The answer has eluded from my grasp for years. A lucky few find it with ease and some never see it during their lifetime. It is a powerful ultimatum that justifies every breath you take and every action you perform. As I travel deeper and deeper into my psyche, the answer conceals itself even more, turning the whole endeavor into a childish game of hide-and-seek. I begin my journey in this vast and endless desert filled with past memories, to find the essence of who I am and the meaning of my life.

From a distance, I see a large structure surrounded by metal fences. There is a green gate on the side that leads into the building. I walk inside and see a group of young boys sitting around. Their attentions were fixated on two boys who were hula-hooping, one of whom I recognize. Determination and focus was in his eyes. He had fiercely practiced all week before this competition, day and night, even staying up until two, despite his mother's wishes. His concentration was unbreakable and his motions were constant and crisp. His purpose was to be the best. All of a sudden, the boy next to him has a mental lapse, his eyes widen as he tries to recover from his mistake, but it was too late; his hula-hoop slips and thuds on the ground. The class cheers as the boy comes out victorious. Suddenly, the walls start to fade into the ground and the children slowly disappear one by one. At the end, the only thing left of the surrounding is the red hula-hoop that belonged to the determined little boy. I pick it up and continue on with my journey.

There is a large ambiguous figure ahead. I slowly stride towards it. It is a person sitting in a desk and another standing by his shoulder. The figure standing is the same boy from the hula-hoop contest, matured into a young teenager, and the figure in the desk is his brother. His eyes are still swelling with determination, yet his purpose had changed. I look on top of the desk to see what they were working on. It is a writing assignment. The boy standing explains how to connect ideas effectively and how to convey feelings using strong adjectives. He gives him examples and carefully goes over the prompt. He knew that he was no trained professional, but it was heart-breaking for him to see others fail. He wanted to use the fullest extent of his abilities to make an effort to help others, especially his own brother. His purpose was to teach. Other's success brought him joy, knowing that he had contributed towards it. As he leans over the desk, he drops his pencil. I quickly pick it up and offer it to him. Only, the desk had disappeared and so did the figures. I put the pencil in my left pocket and move on towards the sandy horizon.
namibest 3 / 11  
Dec 27, 2010   #4
Honestly, cut out the first paragraph and either move it somewhere else or get rid of it, but always try to start with the action first and after you told the story, write your reflection or what you have to say about it
OP sungjeezy 1 / 3  
Dec 27, 2010   #5
thank you but what about it sounding too pretentious? Does it seem like I am trying too hard to impress whomever that reads this?
jazzmeen 3 / 15  
Dec 27, 2010   #6
I dont think its pretentious.. maybe it's because its written in 3rd person. usually i see 1st person essays (including mine) but this format is different and new..it's ok for me :)
OP sungjeezy 1 / 3  
Dec 27, 2010   #7
Thanks so much for all of your comments. Anything else about the essay that you noticed?
Reaper1Shi 7 / 25  
Dec 28, 2010   #8
Well, I agree with namibest in that you should definitely remove the first paragraph.

Perhaps you can use it later on, but the second paragraph should become your first. It will really capture the reader's attention, something you'll need in order to compete with countless other essays.

I think the topic in itself can seem really pretentious. So far, if you removed the first paragraph or moved it somewhere else, it will be very good. However, depending on what else you write, the essay may become pretentious after all. Or even cliched.

If you have time, please read mine! :D

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