FORDHAM UNIVERSITY ESSAY 250-500 WORDS)
1. Describe a Significant Life Experience and how it has shaped the person you are today.
"What I Thought Would Kill Me Made Me Stronger"
It all happened too fast. One minute I was a strong-minded, confident student at The Lawrenceville School with the path to college laid out for me, and in the next: a lost "student" with no direction, snatched away from all I knew and grew to appreciate. I didn't choose to be homeschooled; no. That was a decision my parents made and they chose [another word for chose, I already used it above] to update me at dinner over chicken alfredo pasta, my favorite dish. All of these feelings of confusion and betrayal boiled inside of me and to know [wrong tense?] that my own parents would dare make this life-changing decision without my knowledge [nor vs. or] my consent, was enough to push me over the edge. I was so aggravated that I made it my mission in life to make my parents' lives miserable as they had chosen to make mine. I tried absolutely everything from giving them the silent treatment to defying them and acting pugnaciously whenever they wanted me to do something for them. My attempts were to no avail. I realized that I was hurting no one but myself and soon decided to switch missions for a while to not only put up with decision they made for me but thrive and succeed even in circumstances such as these. [I need to rephrase that sentence because it's not making sense]
This is now my last year of homeschool and even thought there are times where doubt overshadows confidence, I now see how homeschooling has benefitted me and will continue to do so, long after this part of the journey is over. This homeschooling experience has taught me many skills and has taken part in instilling the kind of character that I will need to not only thrive in college, but in life as well. I have acquired the ability to do what is necessary and expected of me without needing to be urged by someone else. In more ways than one, I was my own teacher during these four years of high school. I made sure to get my assignments in at a certain time, even though no due dates were assigned. I assigned myself study hours to ensure I was prepared to excel in my quizzes and exams. I utilized additional resources such as youtube and google versus tutors and teachers to further aid me in learning lessons I could not satisfyingly comprehend in the textbook. These all tie in with responsibility and time management as well. Above all, I learned what it takes to succeed. I learned to persevere no matter what circumstances or obstacles were thrown in my way. In my case, it was homeschool. Because of my parents' decision to involve me in homeschool, I successfully adjusted to this new life, I triumphed over the obstacles and hardships. I have gained the skills and character that will allow me to flourish in life way beyond college.
(((I'm still working on a killer closing))) ... a sort of KA-BAM! in your faces!!! Closing. i'd like some help/advice/suggestions with that please? :( i was never good at wrapping it up with a killer finish.
So this is my personal statement so far. See, to me, if doesn't feel like it's up to par. I would like to know if the focus of my essay is on the spot, grammar, details/corrections that would make it much much better. don't be shy with corrections either haha or critisisms/suggestions. The more improvements I can make the better.
Overall, you have excellent ideas but they're a little bit awkwardly worded. You don't need to add a conclusion. I like the ending the way it but I would say: "I have gained the skills and character that will allow me to flourish in college and beyond"
The last sentence of your first paragraph makes sense but is a run on. I would say something more like " I realized that I was hurting no one but myself and soon decided to switch missions. I decided not only to put up with decision they made for me but to thrive and succeed even in these circumstances" (maybe a semicolon instead of a period?)
I don't like the sentence "These all tie in with responsibility and time management as well." You should mention time management and responsibility in one of the previous sentence. Like maybe "I learned time management and responsibility by being my own teacher."
I also think it would sound better to say "in many ways" instead of "in more ways than one"
Great introduction. Your first sentences draw the reader in.
I do agree with Faye2210 in that a few of your word choices seem a little forced, like they came from the thesaurus (acting pugnaciously). It's a fine line between using more descriptive words and sounding arbitrary. Mostly, though I think you tackled that well.
Also, you can shorten some of your longer sentences or split them up into multiple ones.
If you're not really up to the word limit yet, I would consider being more detailed about how you grew from being homeschooled. Maybe you can add in a short anecdote or two and link that with a trait you developed.
Here are some corrections and answers to your questions:
...and in the next: a lost "student" with no direction...
grew to appreciate -> had grown to appreciate
[another word for chose, I already used it above] - decided
[wrong tense?] - know is correct
[nor vs. or] - or
...last year of homeschool and even thought - thought should be though
capitalize Google and Youtube
