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Thoughtful consultant system, atmosphere, BROWN SUPPLEMENT ---- WHY ESSAY

szphoebe 1 / 2  
Dec 23, 2009   #1
HELP~~~~~This is my short essay of Brown. And i love BROWN SOOOOOOO MUCH.
PLEASE HELP ME TO POINT OUT SOME LACKNESS And SOME gramma mistakes. THANK YOU. because the deadline is coming soon.

"please tell us more about your interest in brown:why does you BROWN as a appeal to you as a college option? who or what has influenced your decision to apply"

One day, I met one of my friends on the street, also preparing to get into a university.
When she referred to my applying college, I answered awkwardly by saying:" my test score was not very satisfying, so I am going to apply Boston College. "

"Why? I mean, you really like it? And how about Brown, your dream school, the one you always refer since grade 9th.
"Brown, ya, but I don't think I can ``"
She interrupted me:" So what? Choosing your favorite university is the key step in your life, no matter what! Or you will regret it!"

Her words just lingered in my mind. The more I pondered, the more I felt I was wrong. I have a right and obligation to pursue my dream. It reminds me of the time when I decided to go abroad. At that time, I had a great eagerness to research universities. Among those various universities, I found Brown. When I entered its web site, I was attracted by its badge. It was just like a bear hided behind a shield which was full of books, when I met it at the first sight. (After several months, I figured out that was not a bear. In actuality it was a sun, some books, and a cross representing that students pursued knowledge with gorgeous sun.) I fell in love with it. I desperately want to know more in Brown. The more I read students' review of Brown, the more I loved this school. As the only one universities accepting students without any religious discrimination at that time, it already showed it's unique. Every time Brown had some new projects, it would be suspended. But being a non-quitter, Brown never gave up continuing these projects and finally all succeed. I appreciated the classical beauty of the university hall. I admired the flexible academic principles. I adored its thoughtful consultant system. I worshiped its liberal atmosphere in campus. I wish that I can grow up in Brown where can satisfy my various interests and inspire me to be more creative. I want to prove that I can be responsible for myself in such a liberal place. I am eager to make more friends

by attending those 300 organizations and hundred of study projects.

I don't want to just give up without any trying. I love Brown.

(maximum is 1000 charater,thank you so much.)
christiek 6 / 65  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
She asked:" phoebe, how are you? What university are you going to apply? Brown, right?"

--> You have to indent dialogue.

Or you will regret!"

--> Or you will regret it !

It reminds me the time when I

--> It reminds me of the time when I...

mong those colorful and different universities, I found brown

--> Capitalize Brown here.

That's why I want to apply Brown.

-> I think you should end differently. You don't need to explicitly say that those are the reasons you want to apply. It's obvious...Try ending some other way.

- You should write more about why you want to apply to Brown. At the end of the essay, I feel like you are only applying to give it a shot. Explain more about the reasons why you fell in love with Brown.

OP szphoebe 1 / 2  
Dec 24, 2009   #3
(It's my second version, please give me more advices. and do you think that i should shorten my conversation more, or i can just delete it by changing my past fondness to Brown. And do i need to mention more specific details of Brown's advantages? And which verb or ADJ can i change? Thank you soooooo much~~)
eskape 3 / 5  
Dec 25, 2009   #4
I think you should cut the part saying Boston College. Although I'm sure the admissions committee at Brown knows that they are more selective than BC, it's a bit rude to say that BC is an inherent subordinate in your university choices.
owls 8 / 33  
Dec 27, 2009   #5
When I received my test result, I was petrified of the score. This is totally different from my original imagination. Maybe rephrase this. It was undeniable, that score in front of me. I closed my eyes, praying that it was only a nightmare, but it was still there when I opened them again. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. This score simply was not in the prospective range of my dream school---Brown. All of my friends asked me to give up and change my school list. But I just didn't want to accept it.

Brown is a special school. Its liberal learning atmosphere attracts me when I met it at the first sight. This is worded awkwardly and be sure you match tenses. It was love at first sight, as I found myself attracted to its liberal learning atmosphere. To some extent, I feel Brown has a kind of chivalry. This is kind of weak. Brown, to me, had an incredibly sense of chivalry. Knight is the essence of the spirit of sacrifice and responsibility. "Knight is" isn't making sense to me. This sentence actually doesn't make sense. It doesn't tie into the next part at all. I'd get it if knights were the mascot, but the mascot is the bear, sooo... Yeah. I'd take it out. Brown gives students enough freedom in study filed. What's "study filed"? I think I'm missing something. Maybe like... I am excited by the idea of the open curriculum at Brown, excited for the opportunity to have the freedom to choose my own path. Meanwhile, it also requires students to be responsible for themselves and how to plan their lives. "Meanwhile" doesn't make sense. This open curriculum has benefits beyond that of freedom, however. It will allow me to take responsibility and begin to plan out the rest of my life. For this responsibility, students need to sacrifice their personal life. For example, they may need to balance their social time and study time. "Sacrifice" is the wrong word. "Balance" in your second sentence works better. But I'd rephrase these too. With this newfound responsibility, I hope to create a balance in my life, a balance between the academic sphere and the social sphere.

I love B rown. Not only because I appreciate the spirit of Brown You haven't really talked about the spirit of Brown, so if you're going to leave this in, I'd write more about the spirit specifically in the above paragraph. Open curriculum =/= spirit of the school. Maybe change it to... Not only because I appreciate the chance with which Brown provides me to gain independence... , but also because I think that I have the same qualities. but also because I exhibit the qualities necessary for success at the university. When I was young, I was the person who liked to get the responsibility. In the high school, I took the initiative to act as English representatives, competition cheerleading, and proactive scheduling drama classes. I had a plan to stretch my life. Your parallel structure is all messed up here. Everything in that list needs to agree. When I saw the progress of classmates, the success of the competition, the award-winning drama, I would think that my life is fulfilling. Doesn't really make sense to "think that your life is fulfilling". I don't know. I'd rephrase. When I decided to go abroad, in order not to conflict with the study, I even gave up seeing a concert of my favorite star . This sentence is kind of unnecessary. This is all because I known clearly what I want and what person I want to be.

I believe that I have the ability to study at Brown, Awkward. Anyone can have the ability to study. which is full of charming tradition You never really mentioned tradition either. and liberal environment. "Full of liberal environment" doesn't make sense. Although my score was not very high, it was not obstruct any of my love for Brown. I am willing to take risks and assume responsibilities which are also the spirits of Brown. I'd think of a more clever ending.
OP szphoebe 1 / 2  
Dec 29, 2009   #6
thank you so much````you've been very helpful``

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