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Thoughts per day - my personal essay describes me and shows my uniqueness


aaliyahS 1 / 1  
Aug 18, 2015   #1
Any advice on how to improve my essay and any grammar or word choice advice. Is my essay good enough to be a personal statement? Is it to out there?

The average person has between 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts a day. This simple fact demonstrates the principle that the mind is never idle. In a way, I always approached life with the same principle that there was a cycle of never ending thoughts; thoughts that always have to be analyzed and reasoned. Though that mindset had brought me far in my life, one day I felt as if I had walked into a curb. It was not as if I had fallen , but tripped. A minuscule pause in my normal routine that suddenly made me aware of my surroundings. In Surroundings that I had never been capable of fully appreciating. It was simple set of paintings that opened my eyes to a new way of thinking.

This pause was unnatural to me , because I had always understood that thoughts were a constant cycle of ideas that had to be analyzed and moved aside. From a person who spent around five hours a day going through this cycle, the fact that a few paintings could interrupt my thought process was an eye opener. Considering that I had been involved in art for a few years, no other artwork ever drew my attention as these paintings did. Possibly it was the relevance it had to my own personal life, or the surprising appreciation it displayed for one of the most basic aspects of life. While admiring the painter's talent, I found myself for the first time peacefully content in this interruption. That simple realization was a momentous moment in the development of my thought process.

I soon fell into old habits and analyzed that what I felt was not actually a pause at all, but my thoughts processing simply. I was not searching for answers or examining reasons, but appreciating the simple hues of paint. This effortless appreciation of life gave me the same satisfaction that I received from analyzing life so deeply, yet it was warmly less complicated.There was need to over complicate the answers ,because they looked me straight in the eyes. It was as if the only way to appreciate the work as a whole was to stop and allow it to speak for itself. Not only did this experience plunge me deeper into the world of art, but it gifted me a wider perception of what aspects of life actually had to be reasoned.

Even though analytic and reason are still true passions of mine,that seemly small pause altered my perception on how to go about day-to-day life. I realized the complexity in analyzing everything and everyone. It was possible just to admire the surroundings that I would normally disregard. Although it is always important to strive to find the answers you seek, it is equally significant to not ignore the answers that are already present . The world will always be full of sought after solutions, but there will rarely be solutions just waiting to be heard.

lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Aug 19, 2015   #2
I can help assist you with some changes. I will focus on some grammar issues but I will consider your question regarding your essay.

1st paragraph: I think one word needs to be deleted in this sentence: "Though that mindset had brought me far in my life, one day I felt as if I had walked into a curb."

There is a slight error with the comma after fallen (delete the space). Add a few words before this sentence: "It was a minuscule pause..."

Another slight error exists, ensure that "surroundings" is in all lowercase letters.

2nd paragraph: Change the beginning of this sentence: "Since I am a person who spends around five hours..." I think you should change the sentence order of two sentences. First change drew my attention to "captured my attention". The next sentence will begin with: "While admiring the painter's talent,..." I am going to make a suggestion for the next sentence: "Possibly it was the relevance it had to my own personal life, or how the artists rendition showed appreciation for one of the most basic aspects of life."

3rd paragraph: Delete this word: "warmly less complicated." State: "no reason to complicate". I'm not sure about the ending of the paragraph, but here is a suggestion: "made me greatly perceive what aspects of life actually had to be analyzed".

4th paragraph: Change seem to "seemingly" and "how to live my life". "The world will always be full of sought after search for solutions.

If this is a personal statement regarding entrance into a university, I would find a way to incorporate one sentence to show you are ready for college.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Aug 20, 2015   #3
1st paragraph
- ...was a cycle of never ending thoughts;, (be mindful of your punctuation marks) thoughts
- In SurroundingsThe surrounding that I had never been capable

2nd paragraph
- ...understood that thoughts were a constant cycle of ideas
- ...interrupt my thoughts process was an eye opener.
- That simple realization was a momentousspectacular moment..

Last paragraph
- Even though analytic and reasoning are still true passions of mine,
- that seemlyseemingly small pause altered my perception
- ...it is equally significant to not to ignore the answers...
- ...but there will be rarelybe solutions just waiting to be heard.

Indeed, thoughts are constant mind creations that we are suppose to wander about but not to the point that will drive you crazy.


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