Hello!
Could you please help me with my essay! It's the first draft, so any comment or critique will be very helpful!
Thank you
Members of the Caltech community live, learn, and work within an Honor System with one simple guideline, 'No member shall take unfair advantage of any other member of the Caltech community.' While seemingly simple, questions of ethics, honesty, and integrity are sometimes challenging. Share an ethical dilemma that challenged you. What did you do?
I have three very close friends. I have known them since we were in kindergarten. They are my classmates, my confidants, my support, and the co-conspirators who have shared my crazy ideas.
The last year at school, we had a problem. Two of them acquired the habit of cheating: they did not study and they would ask me to help them during the tests. I was in such an awkward position because they were my friends, and when seeing them desperate in the exams, I felt I could not say no. It is really difficult to do the right thing in that situation, when feelings are involved. However I was aware it was wrong; consequently I talked to them to make them understand their error: they were fooling the teachers, their parents, and also they were being unfair with those who did study. I said I could explain everything to them if they had doubts or problems understanding the class, but they did not listen to me and continued doing the same. Then I tried changing my position during the exams, I sat in a place far from them, but it did not work either; they got mad at me and they kept cheating off other classmates. I had to do something to fix the situation, I gave them another opportunity. I said, "If it continues, I will be bound to tell the teacher what happens". Finally, they became aware of the error and stopped (or at least, that's what I could perceive). After some days we were friends again. I think with the time they understood I was doing a good thing for them, because I love them.
shared my crazy ideas, etc.
I wouldn't use "etc."
possition
one s
It's
Just write out "it is", contractions shouldn't be in formal writing (unlike this post...)
"I said I could explain to them everything if they had doubts or problems understanding the class. But they did not listen to me and continued doing the same."
make this one sentence ", but"
"Then I try changing my position during the exams, and I sat in a place far from them. But it did not work either because they got mad at me and they kept cheating with other classmates. "
try should be "tried". the "but" thing same as before. I don't think you really cheat "with" other people, rather you cheat off of them.
"I gave them another opportunity: "
period not colon.
"I said: "If this continues,..."
comma not colon.
"...them , and because I love them."
no need for the and.
"I really hope so!"
I don't think this is necessary.
It's a good start, but you need to make it more interesting to the reader. You can do this through making it flow better. Hope that helps.
...my support, and the co-conspirators who have shared my crazy ideas. etc .
I said I could explain everything to them if they had doubts or problems understanding the class.
I think this part in parentheses is excellent. It makes the essay very convincing. But what do you mean when you say they reasoned and quit? It's unclear.
