Hello, I plan on applying to FSU and I wrote my essay but I was wondering if I should make any changes to it before applying? My essay is below and the prompt is
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
Throughout my entire life, the values embodied in the words "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been greatly emphasized. Though all three concepts are present in my life, the two which I find are most prominent are Vires and Artes. Various forms of strength and skill play an immense role in the story of my life.
During the greater part of my childhood, I was constantly moving residences as a result of my dad's job in the hotel business. Anybody who has ever had to move knows how much emotional stress is dumped on one when attempting to make new connections and being forced to say goodbye to old ones. Since I was only in my childhood years, I was, in a sense, obliged to mentally grow up quicker than most other little girls. Now that I have a permanent residence in Florida, I am glad of how strong I am mentally as a result of all the change when I was younger-from having to make new friends to changing schools and being placed in totally new and strange environments. Leadership is another field where I show strength. I have been an active member of my class board and many other clubs in school, as well as leading community service projects and being involved in a student leadership organization. Participating in the various organizations has made me an increasingly capable leader. Also, my strength in the athletic field has been displayed through my participation on the volleyball and tennis teams throughout my high school career.
Entering the sixth grade, I discovered my passion of music when I began playing the cello in my middle school's orchestra. The concept of Artes is embodied in my life through my love for music; where I can express myself by playing a beautiful piece of music. As I entered high school, I nearly gave up playing the cello, but I found that without the cello, it would be like missing a piece to a puzzle. The values embodied in Artes also show through my pursuit of academic excellence. In my earlier school years, grades were not in my top priorities and I was ok with settling for average. Now, however, I pay greater attention to how I am doing in my classes and I strive to put all I can into my schoolwork while also allowing time for extracurricular activities. My tenacity in the academic field results from my motivation to go above and beyond what is expected of me by my peers.
My comprehension of the values in the concepts "Vires, Artes, Mores" is that Florida State University looks for more than just brains from potential students. I believe that my capability of adapting to new environments and to do so while leading my fellow students and working hard academically would greatly benefit the campus community. The reflection of the values of "Vires, Artes, Mores" in my life are immense and will continue to carry on as I attend Florida State University.
I like the essay, but here is my input: in the second paragraph perhaps "Changing residences" instead of "moving residences."
Now that I have a permanent residence in Florida, I am glad of how strong I am mentally as a result of all of the adjustments I made when I was younger-from having to make new friends to changing schools and being placed in totally new and strange environments.
I have been an active member of my class board and many other clubs in school, as well as leading community service projects and being involved in a student leadership organization.
Which clubs? I'm sure the college would like to know.
You could probably go into detail on the service project, too.
My two cents. (:
Thanks! I made the couple changes, but for going into detail about the clubs and service projects, the essay isn't supposed to exceed 500 words so I'm not quite sure how to incorporate them seeing that the essay is exactly 500 words long now..
Oh okay, I didn't know about the word limit; maybe it's fine without the details. Sorry D:
I have been an active member of my class board and many other clubs in school, as well as leading community service projects and being involved in a student leadership organization.--Like what??Example of these orgs and projects you've done, maybe one??
Also, my strength in the athletic field has been displayed through my participation on the volleyball and tennis teams throughout my high school career.--Again..how? Just because you participate in a sport doesn't mean you're strong in any way, shape, or form. I understand what you're trying to say, you're just not saying it. Maybe arduous practices made you mentally strong..or something like that?
I found that without the cello, it would be like missing a piece to a puzzle. --Ooo I like that analogy.. just thought I might say that ha
I believe that my capability of adapting to new environments and to do so while leading my fellow studentscolleagues and working hardremaining academically driven would greatly benefit the campus community.
*Just suggestions btw!!!*
Leadership is another field where I show strength. I have been an active member of my class board, been involved in various community service projects such as feeding the homeless, and also participate in a student leadership organization. Participating in the various organizations has made me an increasingly capable leader. Also, my strength-both mentally and physically-in the athletic field has been displayed through my participation on the volleyball and tennis teams which each require vigorous practices and team dedication.
^is this any better?
Thanks for the other suggestions! I tried rewordingsome stuffso I could sqeeze in a little more details above..my word count is 499 now :)
Reborn
It's ok! thanks for the advice I tried rewording some stuff :)
Throughout my entire life, the values embodied in the words "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been greatly emphasized.
This sentence is in passive voice with an absent actor. Who, exactly, emphasized these values to you? And, is this even true? Did your parents and teachers intone "Vires, Artes, Mores" to you? Don't just say things to be saying them. If, indeed, strength and skill have defined your life thus far, then just say that. Or, even better, jump right in with an anecdote that demonstrates this.
