I was planning to write one ssay for BU and a different one for Yale. But noticing the deadlines and all, I decided to combine and write just one essay that would fit both prompts. Here are the prompts for each university:
BU: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.
Yale: While we leave the topic of the second essay entirely up to you, try telling us something about yourself that you believe we cannot learn elsewhere in your application. Please limit yourself to fewer than 500 words.
Also, I would like to warn you tha I am adicted to story writing so most of my essays start out in a storylike style. I hope this essay and its style is fine. Do tell me if you think I should just change and rewrite everything or the introduction like the usual style.
A seven-year-old girl sat down on her grandmother's lap and reminded the latter that she wanted to watch a late night movie. However, after an eventful dinner, both went to bed early. After lying on the bed for a full fifteen minutes, the girl sat back up and tiptoed to the living room, alone. She grasped around in the darkness, turned on the television and watched the movie she had been waiting for. Her grandmother came out due to the light and the sounds from the television and sighed as she watched her granddaughter, who was extremely determined as always. No matter what it was, the young girl always kept to her word or promise. She would not eat nor sleep until whatever she had planned to do had been completed. When she was determined like this, no obstacle could stop her.
During her private English classes, the teachers would often put the girl in different classes. This change of classes happened at least once a month. At first, she found it hard to attend a class where everyone was a stranger. But soon enough, she learned to adjust to the circumstances and the people around her. She would meet different people and know how to respond to each of them appropriately. Her family also went on road trips, where she had no other choice but to adapt to the new climate, people, food and surroundings. Such events made her a person who could get along with everyone and someone who did not have trouble when changes took place in her life. She had, indeed, become very adaptable.
Many changes have taken place after a decade and I am pleased to say that I have been able to hang on to these two qualities. I have matured and am no longer an only child. Due to having siblings, I have learned that my family cannot pay attention to me all the time and that I cannot depend on them forever and for every little thing. Such realizations have caused me to become more independent. I have learned to take care of myself, as well as honed a few skills in other areas. Even when doing group projects at school, I always take care of my part of the job quickly and efficiently.
It is indeed not easy to describe a person with just three words. Nevertheless, these three words describe me perfectly: determined, adaptable and independent. My independent personality will help me survive on my own while also taking care of my studies. Boston University has a diverse student body and the fact that I am adaptable will surely come in handy when facing new and unique people and situations. Also, when alone in a foreign country, it is hard not to lose sight of your dream. I believe that my determination will allow me to keep on track and achieve my dream, while also being able to assist others who could be in the same situation.
Great job!
But you might want to change your last two sentences... make them more emotive and attention-caller. Also, do not use contractions ("She wouldn't eat nor sleep..."; and "who didn't have trouble when...")
Read mine, please!
Ok, so I corrected and rewrote some of the things.
So, how is it? Also, what would be a good title for this essay?
You write very well. I sure would like to see each of these three parts of the essay refer -- somehow -- to the field you are going to enter... you keep referring to it as if you always have it on your mind, because you are so focused on it! That is a way to improve this already-great essay.
Howdy raven, good job you did!
You wrote on my thread my essay was great, but hey, I guess they'd pick yours :)
Congrats, and BEST OF LUCK!
Alice
