"As a member of the THS marching and concert band, I have learned the importance of being a part of a team. Over the past four years, I have worked harder and put in more hours for band than anything I have done in the past. The hours that I have devoted to band have included rehearsals, competitions, volunteering for band events, fundraising, and organizing social events. I have personally enjoyed this work more than anything else I have done because of the sense of camaraderie that being involved in such a large group of hardworking people can provide. It was difficult sometimes, and we would get frustrated and upset when things were not going well, but only because we cared so much about what we did and wanted to improve. Looking back, I have used the discipline I learned in band to become a more focused and dedicated student."
It's great that the reader immediately knows your passion and drive for band, but you have to keep in mind that these admission people will have read hundreds of essays before coming to yours. Putting that in mind try to make your essay stand out more by giving us more of a better picture by perhaps describing a specific incident.
It's perfect. It is sincere and straightforward. However, it is not spectacular. It will be spectacular if even while discussing this you cannot help mentioning your chosen field. You can write about band in terms of how it will affect you as an aspiring (physicist?). So.. just like a married person whose every word reflects concern for the spouse, you can be so passionate about your goal that you even discuss band in terms of its ability to facilitate your progress toward achieving your goal.
There is something about that last sentence I don't like. For sure, you conveyed your passion for the band very nicely, but the ending sounded kind of cliche and...too casual to give off a lasting impression. My only suggestion is that you put in something like, "Looking back at this experience, I have learned to use these skills from band to (lead/overcome: insert some sort of academic/personal challenge). I always thought that linking it to something else leaves a better impression than simply, I loved the band. Of course, I'm only a high school student, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
P.S If you have time, would you mind looking at my essay? Thanks.
I already posted an earlier draft of my short answer question for Boston College. Thanks to anyone who gave me feedback on that. I did my best to incorporate it into draft 2.
Thanks to all of you in advance,
Looking back, I have used the discipline I learned in band to become a more focused and dedicated student."--- can you rephrase this to give a general example? What I mean is... can you add a phrase that shows HOW the discipline transfers? What is the nature of the process you use to discipline yourself in band, and how does it transfer to the academic setting? Can you write this conclusion sentence in a way that alludes to the nature of that phenomenon to which you are referring -- that insight about discipline which you have learned to apply in your studies?
