"Thud!" My last throw. COMMON APP Personal Statement

I believe my personal statement is too long (maybe unnecessarily wordy) and need help cutting it down. There may also be some stylistic concerns.

what went wrong?

"Thud!" the sound echoes throughout the bowling alley as my midnight navy and silver streaked bowling ball hits the wooden lanes when I release it from my hands. It skids down the lane and I can see it start to rev up as it hits the dry but its too late. "Rrrpwock," its a light pocket hit leaving a bucket 2-4-5-8. I step off the approach slumped over and frustrated at myself. Something was wrong and I could not figure it out. I was angered, and completely spent...I had no answers. Did I really lose my touch?

It was the end of sophomore year and I realized I didn't take advantage of the opportunities given to me. I looked at my friends and couldn't help but feel sorry for myself for not doing more and being more involved. I didn't want to look back at my 4 years in high school and have nothing to remember it by. At the time, my friend Shaeq was on the bowling team and he convinced me to go bowling with him. He bet that I couldn't beat him in one game after I taunted him about bowling not being a real sport, and I took him up on it. How hard can bowling be? I thought I could easily beat my friend if not at the very least match up closely to him. Never have I been so wrong in all my life. I threw gutter after gutter and I used the wrong fingers to hold the bowling ball - I was terrible.

There is nothing that drives me more than knowing that failure is just the beginning. I was captivated, I wanted to get better, I wanted to make the team when we got back to school. I continued to practice with Shaeq, made bets and used the stress to grow faster as a bowler, and eventually won some games against him. He believed I would make the team no problem. When tryouts finally came, I lost all my confidence when I stepped up to the approach. My nerves got the best of me and I threw a gutter my first throw. I felt a sea of anxiety deep down, my jaw clenched. my hands made fists to feel my palms have moistened. Blood rushed in my ears and my pulse skyrocketed and I felt my face become hot. I completely lose myself and I throw gutter after gutter into the 4th frame of the game. Shaeq said to me, "Just bowl, don't think about it," and I did just that. I loosen up and relax a little and I finally hit the pocket

It's crazy to see how much bowling has become such a big part of my life and how much I have grown as a bowler. I have obtained my own custom ball, threw a lot of high games, and even threw over 200 since tryouts. I'm proud to say I have reached the point where bowling 80% mental and 20% physical compared to when I first started out and it was other way around. I've learned that whenever I'm in a slump, I'm overthinking things. This also applies to everyday life; the mind is a powerful force and it's impossible to achieve anything without the right mentality. Overthinking only creates problems that were never there.

I'm sitting down analyzing what went wrong my last throw. Was my timing off? Was my backswing too high? Did I follow through? This is the playoffs and I'm letting my team down. My coach says to me, "Shake it off, just have fun!" It was the same thing Shaeq had said to me during tryouts. I was too busy worrying about how I was doing and getting in my own head that I forgot to just bowl. I'm up again, I clear my mind of any negative thoughts, and throw my ball. The ball skids down the lane, makes the turn, and hits the pins, "Rrrpwock!"

Thank you for the critics!

I feel like the 2nd paragraph needs more introduction. I had to reread the 1st/2nd paragraph to realize that the 1st paragraph was in "present time" and the 2nd paragraph started the backstory of how you ended up in a bowling alley in the first place.

Similarly, the last paragraph could use an opening sentence that brings the reader back to the "present time" aka the bowling game. I think it might also make more sense to introduce that you're playing in the playoffs in the first paragraph, and not the last. I think the reader would understand why you are feeling so anxious about bowling in this specific game, and why it's so important to you.

Hope that is helpful!

Ivan, what exactly are the instructions for this personal statement? I am not sure what the relevance of the story is in terms of your personal statement and college application. A normal personal statement, one that does not follow a specific prompt requirement usually discusses the development of your interest in your course major and the reason why you have chosen to apply to a specific university. This narrative is nothing like that. So I am wondering if you have been required to tell a specific story or relate a particular incident that will help to respond to the prompt. I would appreciate it if you could provide us with a copy of the instructions you were given so that I can properly consider your essay content as a representation of the prompt requirements.