Hey guys, this is one of my essays for college admissions! I'd appreciate any feedback.
Prompt:
You've got a ticket in your hand - Where will you go? What will you do? What will happen when you get there?
Essay:
If I had a ticket to anywhere, anywhere I'd like, I'd travel overseas to Syria. Ever since I could walk, my biggest aspiration in life was to help others. Whether it was helping my friends out at school with a class assignment, or helping my mother carry groceries in from the car, I was always ready to help out in anyway possible. I have recently been inspired by the horrific current events transpiring in the middle east to help those innocent lives being taken by the civil war raging in Syria.
Since the start of this civil war five years ago - about to go on its sixth year - nearly 500,000 casualties have been suffered, and almost half of this catastrophic number were the lives of beautiful children. Already more than 4.5 million syrians have fled in hopes of a better life for themselves or their children. Also the number of experienced medical staff in this country is very limited and decreasing. This is why my goal right now is to gain my certification to become a pediatric nurse practitioner to give medical assistance to those children who need it most in this war torn country.
I'd be given the opportunity to give these children with the medical assistance they desperately need. I would help those sickened by deadly tear gases, produce skin grafts for those with severe burns from explosions and fires, repair fractured and broken bones of those trapped under the fallen rubble of once standing buildings, and many other countless ways I'd be able to help these less fortunate kids. Also while I'm there, I'd be able to learn the beautiful ways and cultures of this country and the people who reside in it, such as their languages, religions, and the things they enjoy. Soon there won't be a country to even learn about.
And my only stop wouldn't be Syria. There are countless other countries in the developing and underdeveloped stage that lack the basic medical necessities to keep their population healthy. By distributing basic immunizations, to even band-aids and antibiotic ointment to these places can make a huge impact on the lives of the children who live there. There are some children who have never even had a regular check up by a doctor or nurse, and I'd like to change that.
I do understand that this dream of mine is far more complicated than carrying in a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk in from the car. But if this challenge can change the lives of others in a positive way, then this challenge will be successfully completed. In a world full of negative beings and things, we must spread positivity. I believe that as human beings, we were put on this Earth to do something amazing, and that's exactly what I am going to do.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Abby, Here is a tip. When you write this essay, stick to only one country. That is because the premise of the prompt is that you have only one ticket. Therefore, you can only go to one place, not multiple places. when you develop your response, always develop it in the voice that the essay requires. So, I realize that you want to become a pediatric nurse practitioner. While it seems to be relevant to the essay, it would be best to try and present a different aspect of your personality in this story. You have enough prompts that ask you explain why you want to become a nurse practitioner, this time, try to think outside the box and present a unique idea as to why you want to go to Syria.
If you review the other essays that respond to this prompt in this forum, you will notice that the responses are sincere but unique. The most successful versions of this essay are usually dynamic and imaginative in response and displays the "other side" of the student. Usually, the response isn't alongside his chosen major. That is because this is an open topic essay that allows the applicant to relax in writing his response, allowing him to show his lighter side as an person.
