If I had the ticket in my hands right now I would be on my way to visit Paris. College essay

Please help me if it's ok and good grammar

College essay: if i had a ticket, where will I go?

Growing up, my family and I traveled hundreds of miles from state to state almost all year round. I would watch as the small thorny trees in Texas would slowly grow into what seemed as 100 feet tall trees as thin as a pencil deep down in Virginia all while sitting in the backseat of the car. Camping at a very young age has caused me to love being outdoors. I loved to explore and see new things. My friends and I would spend hours walking down dirt roads and finding broken down abandoned houses in our small old town. Being the shy young girl I was; I ironically loved adventure.

You'd expect me to want to visit an exotic place somewhere across the world and although that would be a second choice, I would go to Paris, France. Before you assume I'm just another boring applicant fascinated by the most visited landmark known all over the world or just somebody who loves croissants, think again, of course, the city is beautiful, who wouldn't want to visit the city of love, but despite all the wonderful attractions Paris has to offer, I am fascinated by the only ugly thing in the capital of France. This may seem rather odd to most people, but what really intrigues me are the millions of skeletons buried in the walls of tunnels that run hundreds of miles long literally right under everyone's feet.

I wasn't aware of the catacombs' existence until about two years ago when I watched a movie that was all about this mysterious dark place. Being a horror fanatic, I was in awe of the creepy underground chambers and halls. The stories and conspiracies about the catacombs fascinate me to an extreme extent. Who would've even thought such a beautiful city is actually located right in top of a massive graveyard?

If I had the ticket in my hands right now I would be on my way to visit Paris. I would first invite my friends to come along with me. Who in their right mind would love to explore the dark labyrinth alone? Once I reach my destination l, I would take some time to eat at the finest restaurants and of course go and take pictures of the Eiffel Tower just to take advantage of actually being there. After l get the little things out of the nway I would then plan my journey. Now, there are certain areas of the catacombs open to the public and even tours are available, but where's the fun in that right? Since entering without an experienced guide is risky and dangerous, I would make sure to find one of the many cataphiles in Paris. Cataphiles are locals who enter the catacombs regularly through secret entrances and know the tunnels like the palm of their hand.

I love the fact that I can escape to such a busy city and go somewhere so peaceful and quiet that only belongs to the cataphiles; who could blame them. If I lived in France I would definitely consider myself a cataphile. After finding someone willing to help me explore my trip I would then set off on my adventure with my crew while I listen to the many stories about the dark place all while soaking up this interesting piece of history. Hopefully without getting lost or dying I would then return home safely and be able to say I explored the catacombs of Paris.

Diana, you need not have such a long introduction to the actual discussion of your essay. The reviewer doesn't have the time to wade through all of this unnecessary information. It would be in the best interest of your essay if you would simply tell the reviewer that you would use your ticket to visit the catacombs in Paris and why. That is all you need to present in the essay. Everything else that you speak of regarding your travel background is nothing but unnecessary space filler in the essay. My opinion is that you only need the last 2 paragraphs of your essay in order to properly respond to the prompt. If you want to add another paragraph, then use the part about not being aware of the catacombs until about 2 years ago. That would more than provide an informed discussion in response to the prompt and also help the reviewer to get to the point of your essay sooner rather than later. That is something that he will appreciate a lot. Remember, you don't need to present the maximum word count. As long as you are not under minimum word count, your essay is fine.

Hello, Mariel. In the second paragraph, I found that you tried to contradict your motive about the destination. It's a good point to make it interesting but it's better for you to sum up in one paragraph for the opening instead split it into two. The third paragraph isn't necessary to tell when you recognize the catacombs. You can develop the uniqueness of catacomb to develop the story.