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My ticket of success, ticket of dreams and ambition - College essay "ticket in hand" prompt

leilo10 1 / 3  
Oct 10, 2018   #1
Topic C College Essay Rough Draft:

You've got a ticket in your hand

-- Where will you go? What will you do? What will happen when you get there?

I step on a plane with a flood of other ambitious passengers: An aspiring actress, A future doctor, Future lawyer, Future missionary, Future teacher, An ambitious mother, An ambitious father, A future world renowned artist, A future NFL player, and even a future politician.

I step on a plane of people who have had dreams of being astronauts, surgeons, firefighters, and soldiers. On this plane everyone has the same ticket in their hand. They all have the ticket of success, a ticket of dreams and ambition. The pilot himself remembers that same ticket. It took him 1500 hours of training before he got to his destination. He finally makes the first stop and it's mine. For once I am first! After all my hard work, I am number one.

I go to Milan, then Paris, London, and New York. My dream of being front row at every fashion week, an influencer to many through my form of what I feel as timeless art, fashion. I sit at all these fashion shows, watching all of my ideas go from paper to reality. All of my ideas I have had since I was younger finally being viewed by myself, and other fashion influencers. I sit front row, right next to Anna Wintour.

"Stunning." She says under her breath. She says this about my clothes seen on the models! the clothes I had spent years developing into a masterpiece. A smile washes over my face. One of joy, achievement, and pure satisfaction. After all of my hard work, it has all finally paid off.

It is just a daydream though, and I am still a passenger on a plane of ambitious people. Of people of hopes and aspirations, people not afraid of failure and hard work. People that sleep and breathe their goals. So where does this ticket take me? A place where my dreams are fulfilled, I am content in this place, blessed to have gotten here, and my long journey to get there. A place where I have worked so hard to get to. Where my heart lies forever. A ticket that takes me to my dreams.

any feedback would be great! thank you!!!!

jjw1711 2 / 2  
Oct 11, 2018   #2
Hi, I think you are off to a great start! Grammar wise, I don't think you need to capitalize "future" and "an" in the first paragraph. I like the listing in the first paragraph, but the beginning of the second paragraph seems a bit repetitive. I think your idea of dreams is a very unique one. What is the word count for this essay?
OP leilo10 1 / 3  
Oct 11, 2018   #3
Thank you so much for your feedback, and what do you think I should talk about in the second paragraph instead? And I believe the word count is 356, so I just made the mark.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,840 2632  
Oct 11, 2018   #4
Londyn, don't confuse the essay with references to other people and their dreams or accomplishments. Just stick to yourself in the presentation. You are the focal point of the discussion and the only one whose travel using the ticket the reviewer cares about. Delete this whole essay and start over.

If you want to use any part of this version for your next draft, use paragraphs 3 and 4. Those are the only really interesting parts of this writing that pertains to you and what you would do with the ticket. The rest of the essay just diverts the attention of the reviewer in an unimpressive way. Bear in mind the main discussion requirements of the essay: Where will you go? What will you do? What will happen when you get there?

So, what happens after you hear Anna Wintour's comments? That should be the next paragraph.
OP leilo10 1 / 3  
Oct 11, 2018   #5
I get what your saying and thanks for your feedback. But what I am trying to do is paint a picture for the admissions officer. I will cut back though on talking about others and more about myself. But I do not plan on restarting this whole essay just taking out bits of it. Again, thank your feedback and all of it will be heavily considered.

And after which paragraph do you think I should talk about what happens after Anna wintours comments?
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,840 2632  
Oct 11, 2018   #6
Do as you will with the essay. It is your presentation that matters and your voice as you wish to present it to the reviewer. Mine was simply unsolicited advice. As for the part about what happens after Anna Wintour's comments, where to place it and what is should contain is all up to you. It all depends upon how you will revise the essay. Since I have no idea as to how you will be presenting your next draft, I can't really hazard a guess as to where it would best to place that information. I would have to see your next draft to consider whether you placed it properly within the essay or not. Sorry I can't help you with that bit. I am prevented from doing so because you still have to revise the essay and I can only make another assessment regarding discussion content and placement after I read the revised version.

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