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UC Prompt 1: how to tie it up? 'my resemblance to my father'


rockingthesea 3 / 13 1  
Nov 18, 2012   #1
Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

i feel like im not describing enough about my "world". what do you think?

When I was younger, I hated comments about my resemblance to my father. My mom always told me, "you look like your dad" and that statement would irritate me, causing me to cry in response, "No! I do not want to look like my dad. I do not want a mustache"! Ironically, my dad does not even have a mustache. But regardless of physical appearances, today, I do not mind being like my dad.

As the older child of two born into an Asian immigrant family, I have many responsibilities. But unlike typical immigrant households where the oldest child is just responsible for helping with the bills and reading letters, I do more than just that. I am my dad's home secretary. My father is an entrepreneur whose business involves restaurant orders for the manufacturing and repairing of stainless steel kitchen equipment. Though it is not a large scale business, it does well to support my family. But because my dad speaks minimal English and is computer illiterate, I offered to help him type up contracts and order receipts, send emails to clients, order job equipment and pay the bills. So at a young age, I was exposed to what operating a business is potentially like. Aside from assisting my dad with his business, I also help manage my parents' bank accounts, in terms of helping them track their expenses and credits through online banking. And gradually, I began to develop an interest for business.

Although my dad and I do not spend as much time as we would like to because of his definite work hours and my school hours, nonetheless, he has helped me make one of the most invaluable decisions of my life. Being able to work for my dad has given me the taste of what a business potentially is like, thus inspiring me to pursue a business major. Although sometimes the stereotypical reasons to wanting to become a business major are based solely on money and greed, for me, it is not just about the materialistic rewards. From my dad's business, I learned that to succeed, it will take a lot of dedication and perseverance. These characteristics will help me endure and overcome any obstacles or adversities in life. Seeing how dedicated my dad is to his business to support the family inspires me to pursue a dream of my own that would allow me to do the same. I want to major in business not only because I want to start my own business one day, the same way my dad did twelve years ago, but also because I know this major can also open many doors to the world for me. So this year, I am enrolled in my school's marketing class to learn about a specific business field that will help prepare for my future career.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 22, 2012   #2
But regardless of physical appearances, today, I do not mind being like my dad.

---------- why? you think your dad is not good looking ? .... :D

As the older childeldest of the two children, born into an Asian immigrant family

But unlikeIn typical immigrant households where the oldest child is just responsible for helping parents with the bills and reading letters, but I do more than just that.

-------------- I introduced these changes in hope of improving the clarity of your idea and trimming down the word count.

Although my dad and I do not spend as much time together as we would like to because of his definite work hours and my school hoursdue to our different time schedules ,
Soccer13 2 / 4  
Nov 22, 2012   #3
I really like the overall topic of your essay as it relates very well to your intended major...however, maybe try to capture the readers' attention a bit more by describing a specific situation that you and/or your father had together that made you so inclined to major in business. I think that might make it more personable. Also, you have great style but some of your sentences get to be a little repetitive ex "I want to major in business not only because I want to start my own business one day" maybe try "I want to major in business so that one day I can start a company like my father"...and you could maybe even end with something like "after all, if I look like my father I might as well be as successful as him too" (that may be going a little too far but it would tie back in with your intro!)


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