'My time in highschool' - University of Michigan - Supplemental Essay (#1)

prompt: (Required for all applicants. Approximately 250 words) everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.

Response: Societies' High school years are almost universally defined by an intrinsic yeaning to fit in. Due to that intrinsic nature of pubescent young adults many diverse communities or cliques are created. During my time at my high school I found myself with many of the same people period after period, year after year. Eventually that group that was drawn together by similar course loads, mostly A.P. and honors, fragmented into two sub groups. One group was equally fascinated with academics and extracurricular activities; the other was more interested in electronics and academics. I eventually drifted towards the group that had an affinity towards sports. Many of the kids in that community, including myself, were varsity level athletes that still had a passion for knowledge and self-improvement. That unique blend of athletics, community service, and academics made that community especially desirable to me because it covered most of my interests. The other nice thing about that community is the sports that the athletes play was very diverse. I played the role as the only soccer player and Mock trial participant. Almost every major sport was represented n our group, almost serving as a UN of the sports world in our school. Having comfortable mixture of all the major sports which really allowed this community to be eclectic and unique from many other communities that the participants could have otherwise been a part of.

I was a unique piece of patchwork in the quilt that was our community. (where should I insert this?)
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*Please help me, I am a very smart student. However I SUCK at writing so feel feel to be blundt or critical, just then please help me fix my essay! Thanks!*

Well its impossible to help you when you no completely finished with the essay.
Though it has its flaws, your essay seems to be coming along pretty well.

Put up the complete essay once you done and I'll be happy to help

Well.... I think what is most important here is to discuss about the community you belong and your place in it. So, try to have your focus on that and avoid making general statements and theories. The admission panel know most of these stuff and they would not be interested in listening to them. They would want to know about you as a person and therefore your writing should be focused on that matter.