A time, in or outside the classroom, when you worked with others and what you learned from this

Johns Hopkins Supplemental Essay

Hello, I was wondering whether an essay about taking care of my aunt's children as she battled a disease would count as an impressive extracurricular for Johns Hopkins University whose question is the following:

Successful students at Johns Hopkins make the biggest impact by collaborating with others, including peers, mentors, and professors. Talk about a time, in or outside the classroom, when you worked with others and what you learned from the experience.

This is my answer to the prompt and I have already submitted it to several universities so there's really no plagiarising. Please respond with edits as soon as possible.

I had almost reached my saturation point. While picking up my cousin's rattles, I tripped on the juice spilled from her sippy cup. My sister, in the other corner of the room, had let a Lego block suck the soul out of her foot. Although taking care of my cousin was crucial, as my aunt battled post-partum depression, it was no painless feat.

From delving into piles of soiled diapers to interpreting the monotonous cries of a toddler, nothing in this world could have prepared my sister and me for all the trials and tribulations being a child's non-biological mother brought to the table.

It almost felt like the tenderness of our mid-teen years was in shambles. A responsibility far beyond our bodies' capacities had been thrust upon us and much to our dismay, there was no excuse along the lines of "my dog ate my homework" to rid us of it.

My cousin's incessant crying, accompanied with the bags under my eyes, had led my sister and me to the conclusion that this task demanded scrupulous planning and thus even the smallest of our shortcomings could easily lead to major repercussions.

And so we drafted what we called The Ploy. Uncannily similar to a serial killer's hit list, except instead of people's names, one would spot the number of bottles to be filled with formula milk every hour, as well as who would cradle the child and when.

At first, days went by like months, but soon our lives started to revolve not around the intensity of the little one's cries or the sleep deprivation they had caused, but the sparkle in her eyes every single time one of us shook her milk-filled bottle in front of her and the toothless smile we received whenever we sang her a lullaby.

It's baffling, isn't it? How a soul so unfledged can make two relatively mature ones realize the power of organization is still a mystery to me, but it's, regardless, something I am perpetually indebted to my cousin for.

Despite not being able to utter a single word, the little one had managed to put our lives in order, using simple human expression.

And while initially my sister and I had assumed that we would have to teach her how to live life, we now look back and realize that it was, in effect, the exact opposite.

Overall, this piece delivers a beautiful, artistic way of represent how you care for your family members. However, there are just some things to rewrite and take out.

Like this sentence: " Although taking care of both my cousin and aunt was crucial..." I would include both of them and then explain in a short sentence of what they dealt with.

Also, I wouldn't describe something similar to a serial killer's hit list because I don't think college wants to see that kind of thought.

Hope this helps.

Momina, the first thing I would change about the referencing in this essay is the way that you always refer to your sister and yourself. Since your sister is not an applicant to the university and the focus of the reviewer is only on you, as the applicant, I would rephrase the essay to focus on my participation in The Ploy, limiting the reference to the dual roles by mentioning it only in specific instances as related to the "collaboration aspect". I would not mention your sister as often as you do in this essay.

Remember that the focus of the essay is "...what you learned from the experience." There is no "WE" in the lesson learned prompt only "I" so your response should represent the collaboration with the focus on your participation in it. The revision should keep the touching and moving essence of the original presentation. I realize that you have submitted the very same essay to the other universities without edits so you can consider accepting my advice or not. I would just like to remind you of the prompt wording because that is what the reviewer is interested in.