Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
Rough Draft:
Before calling my name to receive a certificate, coach's words were, "She is an important part of this team and has come a long way since freshman year." I found passion in what started as a camp activity, beach volleyball. This interest eventually led me to try out for the high school volleyball team. I loved the energy and intensity of the game. I knew it was going to be a challenge, for I was not blessed with the skills-or ideal height. While I was just beginning my freshman year, other girls were playing for their third or fourth year. It was a risk trying out for the team but one of the best decisions I have ever made. I remember my first day of tryouts was very difficult. When the coach demonstrated a drill, I had to copy these motions but do the opposite because I am left-handed. My muscles were not used to moving these different directions and I could feel it the next morning. One day during practice, everything just clicked. The way my hand hit the ball and how the ball hit my arms to make a pass... Not only did it sound right, it felt right. I dedicated a great deal of time to volleyball. When I was on the court, I gave my best efforts and was always eager to learn. Off the court, I was practicing in my backyard. My improvement was noticed and during my sophomore year I was a starting player on the junior varsity team. During my junior year my coach had confidence in me to fill in the starting right-side position on the varsity team. I had to adjust my footwork and my arm swing. Not only did I learn how to play volleyball, I learned about myself. I saw how much I could accomplish with hard work. We all had a goal and that was to become a final four team in the playoffs. I learned to be a team player, knowing my actions would affect those around me. I was once a beginner and became a role model for girls on JV. If you compare my first game to my last game, I am a different person. I have pride every time I put on my Hilltopper blue jersey. Discipline and focus was the key to success and it took me far. I continue to use the idea of learning and passion beyond the court, allowing me to have an open mind and constantly to try new things.
I need help cutting out some of the non-important stuff and emphasizing the stuff that is needed, thanks !
A few things:
Before calling my name to receive a certificate,my coach's words were, "She is an important part of this team and has come a long way since freshman year."
It was a risk trying out for the team but one of the best decisions I have ever made.
One of the best decisions I have ever made was trying out for the team, although I risked being rejected.
My muscles were not used to moving these different directions and Ifelt very sore the next morning.
While I was just beginning my freshman year, other girls were playing for their third or fourth year. You could remove this sentence.
I would definitely emphasize the purpose of your story, even if you have to shorten the way you described it. The main thing that the college wants to hear is that your story pertains to your goals. Expand on your short term and long term goals (the story will back up your passion and motivation, so you don't need to re-state that if you need to shorten) Nice work!
