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Time in Terelj - descriptive essay

okuna 5 / 3  
Feb 19, 2007   #1
Great time in Terelj

One summer, I went to Terelj, Ulaanbaatar with my family. That was two days traveling. The Park was situated at 80 km north east of UlaanBaatar, and is a very popular area with the locals on a weekend. It took us nearly two hours to drive from the capital as the roads were pretty bad. The park lay at 1600 metres high and offered great opportunities for hiking, horse-riding, rafting and rock climbing. The parks were over 1.2 million acres large. The landscape was looking a little bit like the Alps. It is a national park which started to developed in the 1960's and officially was classified as a National Park in 1994. It is almost uninhabited by humans, only by a few nomads and farmers. Inside the park, there were ranges of protected animals such as birds, moose, and bears. Terelj has a many great opportunities and such a beautiful place.

We have spent two nights in a ger camp; there was a building about fifty meters away with some toilets, but no electricity. It was the typical Mongolian ger tent. It will take about thirty minutes to put the tent up for a nomad. The GER tent was spacious and could accommodate a minimum of four persons per tent. Inside there was a wooden stove to heat the tent up. In the morning a worker entered the tent while we were still sleeping to put more wood inside. It is great so as I woke up it was really warm. The temperature during the night was -02C. During the day it was about 25C. Camps are not at the same place depending on the season; there are summer camps and winter camps which are open mostly all year long.

We ordered the Mongolian traditional food, Boodog .That is one of my favorites. Boodog is made from goat or marmot meat. After a goat is slaughtered, the head and other parts are separated without cutting the skin. Then, in the skin all the meat that are cut into pieces and bones are put together with specially heated stones. Meanwhile, salt, water, and other spices are added. When everything is put in, the upper opening from which the head is separated is tied well and placed over an open fire. During this time, the outside of the skin or wool is burnt; therefore, it needs to be rubbed off. Within three hours, the meat is cooked both from the inside and outside. Food was provided it was mainly soups and delicious dishes.

After the lunch, we went to see Melkhi Khad; it was about twenty minutes drive from my ger camp. One of the best places which is wonderful to see was The Turtle Rock, or called Melkhi Khad by the locals, an interesting rock formation looking like a turtle. Not only Melkhi Khad but also there were a lot of interesting shape rocks such as mother, father, baby bear, and two-hump camel. The Turtle Rock was set in a valley. My sister and I were fit and slim, we climbed behind the rock and accessed the head of the turtle, and there we found a very small hole where we squeezed through. When we managed that, once here there is a superb view point over the valley. My mom was shouting "Be careful." Coming back in was more difficult as there is nowhere to put our feet; my parents looked concerned. My father immediately pulled us from the other side. We took some funny pictures. That was my unforgettable time.

From the Turtle Rock, I trekked along two hours walk to a temple on the top of a hill, then another hour to climb to the temple. Along the way we saw wild flowers such as Edelweiss. They looked like white carpet. That was amazing. I'm proud that grows in Mongolia. Because people think they can only find them in Switzerland.

Once we arrived on the top of the temple, the view was superb, well worth the effort.

There is one more unique opportunity which we really can saddle up a horse and ride for thousands of kilometers without crossing any fences or worrying about trespassing in Mongolia. We decided to rent a horse. We can ride pretty well, and we raced. My father at first, me at second, and my sister and my mother at third for the race. But at the end my hip was hurt because I had not ridden horse for a long time. My sister was spoiled. My mother offered us home made yoghurt, biscuits and airag. Mongolian main products are diary products which are produced by milk of cow and sheep. Airag is kind of alcoholic. I like airag very much; all Mongolians like airag.

We were relieved to finally rest our legs from our long, exciting day. I didn't want to go back to home. I guess they didn't want to go back either. At that time I mentioned how peaceful Mongolian country life is. In my opinion everyone needs to travel with family. Getting out the city's nervous life, spend some time with their children, is more important. It's part of our life.

This is descriptive essay, Can u tell there is a thesis. Terelj has a great opportunity and such a beautiful place thi sis my thesis. is this strong enough? And tell me what else I need work on that?

Thank u
aznpoo 7 / 23  
Feb 21, 2007   #2
The motivator is not strong enough to capture a reader attention, and the thesis isn't that much better, it doesn't even sound like a thesis. This would make a great short story, but in an essay you need a little bit of an improvement. The essay sound more like a story.

What do you mean by "opportunities"? Job opportunties? In an essay, you need to be precise and cut out the useless information.

"all Mongolians like airag" In essays avoid using "all" "none", not every mongolians like airag. Change it to "most".

Your essay is definitly descriptive, great job!
OP okuna 5 / 3  
Feb 21, 2007   #3
thank for your help
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Feb 21, 2007   #4

I think your opening paragraph lacks cohesiveness. It's rather "all over the place." The first sentence sounds like "here is where we went on our family vacation." Then you go on to tell where the park is situated; then you go back and say how long it took your family to drive there. In the next sentence, you again mention its location (1600 metres) and its amenties. Then you give some of its history (the 1960s), describe its inhabitants, and finally, end your paragraph with a very general statement about the "opportunities" there, whatever that means. If your thesis is about the park itself, its beauty and amenities, don't lead off with your family vacation. Since the whole essay is mostly about the vacation your family enjoyed there, perhaps you should re-think your thesis.


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