I would love any advice anyone could give me on my essay.
Thanks
Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Whether it be a long hike to work off the numerous calories we had eaten on Thanksgiving or just an early morning walk to start the day, a sense of calm washes over me every time I walk into the open space. The bridge which crosses over the creek and is covered by a canopy of tree branches provides some peace away from my crazy family.
However, today my friends and I were heading up to the hills with a slightly different purpose in mind. Three different colors of paint now covered my bridge in graffiti. As a result of the graffiti, a small piece of the bridges beauty and tranquility disappeared. So, today my friends awoke at the insane hour of 7:30 am to help me bring the bridge back to its former beauty.
After yawning loudly, I slowly pulled myself out of bed at 6:30 in the morning to prepare for my friends arrival. I clumsily, walked into the kitchen and began searching for the ingredients necessary to make scones. After making the scones, I chopped up fruit and got out some clean plates. Then I scrambled around the house gathering the tools my dad, tool expert of the family, had told me were necessary to rid a bridge of graffiti. With my backpack by the door and the scones out of the oven, all I had to do was wait for my friends.
Eventually, my friends began to trickle into my house and eat the scones as we waited for everyone to arrive. Once we were all ready to go, I led them out my house and up the street to the trail head. After a ten minute walk we were at the bridge. Five minutes later, the work began. With sand paper in our hands and face masks covering our mouths, we got down on our knees and started to scrub away all the red, black and white paint covering the bridge. Three hours later, after we sang at least ten different songs and laughed dozens of times, the bridge was finally graffiti free.
During this experience several people walked across the bridge and thanked us for cleaning up the graffiti. It was comforting to think that I was not the only person who cared in my community. Not only did I help to clean my bridge but I helped clean a bridge that belonged to many other people as well.
Good afternoon :)
I have edited a paragraph of your piece and given some general comments as well:
"However, today my friends and I wereThis confuses your tense; choose one and stay with it throughout. heading up to the hills with a slightly different purpose in mind. Three different colors of paint now covered my bridge in graffiti. As a result of the graffiti, a small piece of the bridge' s beauty and tranquility disappeared. SoAvoid beginning your sentences with transitory/conjunctive words such as "so," "but," or "and." , today my friends awoke at the insane hour of 7:30 am to help me bring the bridge back to its former beauty.
After yawning loudly, I slowly pulled myself out of bed at 6:30 in the morning to prepare for my friends' arrival. I clumsily, walked into the kitchen and began searching for the ingredients necessary to make scones. After making the scones, I chopped up fruit and got out some clean plates. Then I scrambled around the house gathering the tools my dad, tool expert of the family, had told me were necessary to rid a bridge of graffiti. With my backpack by the door and the scones out of the oven, all I had to do was wait for my friends."
This is a good piece, but the focus isn't right. The prompt asks you to describe the event, and then examine how it makes you proud and how it relates to the person you are now. As it is, the focus and all of the detail is on the event, not the evaluation and analysis of its effect on you, where it should be. I suggest cutting out some of the detail in regards to the preparation for your guests, and spend more time examining how you are a different person now that you did this great deed.
Regards,
Gloria
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