Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?
Here's what I have so far. Is my first-person, present-tense approach a bit too much? (btw, I'm applying to M&T)
My eyes open slowly and calmly. The gears of my mind begin to turn once again, thinking about my agenda for the day. It's bright on the Quad...too bright. My gaze darts to my alarm clock. 10:17 am. Did I oversleep? What happened to the alarm? I jump out of bed, my fuel cell diagrams flying everywhere.
"I can't believe we met the Vice President of JP Morgan yesterday," my roommate garbles while brushing his teeth.
I realize it's a Saturday; as members of the Wharton Energy Club, we spent most of Friday attending the Wharton Energy Conference next door in the big city. I became so immersed in the discussion and presentations that I was unaware of the fact that I was a teenager amidst countless middle-aged, professional business men and women. Having studied at Wharton and SEAS through the Management and Technology program, I'm able to understand most of what is being discussed. All as an undergraduate student.
I freshen up and head to Lippincott for a book for Management 235: Technological Innovation and Entrepreneurship. I had been looking forward to this class since I arrived at Penn, and it went beyond my already-hyped expectations. Whereas I expected to simply sit in lectures and take notes, I learned how involved and stimulating the classes at Wharton can be. I've felt privileged to be taught graduate school material by graduate school professors so early on. But that's the norm here at Wharton.
Walking down the Quad, I see chemical engineering professor Vohs and decide to ask him about his recommendation letter for my Vagelos research grant. He approaches me first: "Hey, Varun! I submitted the forms yesterday. Let's hope for the best." I hope that the grant will facilitate my research of fuel cells, but that's only the half of it. I plan on inventing and developing a business model to sell something for practical use that could be powered by fuel cells. I'll meet some friends at the Weiss Tech House later today; we're creating a project for PennVention as well as submitting a proposal for the Venture Initiative Program. As the first and best programs of their kind for undergraduate students, each of these will help me get exposed to the world of business and innovation. With the support of the College, I am free to experiment and take risks to grow as an entrepreneur.
But I have a unique choice of extracurricular activities here, too. As an Indian and avid Bollywood fan, I've joined PenNaatak-I can finally play that overzealous villain who sings and dances. I've easily made great friends as a member of PenNaatak, and our common love of Indian culture brings me back home to my paneer makhni and roti.
After a long day of work and fun-the line between the two is becoming increasingly blurry-I sit at my desk to write an article for my humor DP column, Bad Karma Sharma. Maybe this time, I'll write about alarm clocks.
Are you pretending to be an undergraduate student at UPenn, and this is your view on how it would be, or is this your real experience? I'm confused.
But it is an interesting and engaging read, and the present tense use is great. Maybe don't use "but" at the beginning of sentences, because even though it sounds good, it's really not proper form.
Other than that, your essay flows really well. Nice job!
It's as if I were a student there; I just took the whole "what do you see yourself doing" to the point where I literally see myself going through this kind of life. Maybe I should make it more evident.
Thanks for the feedback!
What i like about the essay is the fact that its confusing whether you are applying or already in the school, makes it seem like you really know where you want to go. A point i want to touch upon is the fact you praise the school's offerings (Graduate Level Professors, supplies, etc.). While this isn't necessarily bad its cliche. The admissions officers are already used to the praise, you should focus more on why rather then how great it its. Other then that its solidly written, a great job
I like it. But I'm an English graduate so I prefer a more interesting literary style.
I think Liz did not mean to say it should be more interesting than this. I think she means she likes it because it is so interesting, and she is warning that some people might not be able to appreciate it.
I appreciate it, though! And I think the AO reader will appreciate this refreshing change from the typical essays they read.
Be careful about the tense here... Whereas I had expected to simply sit in lectures and take notes, I am learning how involved and stimulating the classes at Wharton can be.
It seems to end a bit abruptly. Let's add an idea to that last paragraph, the idea you want the reader to be thinking about after reading.. what would that idea be?
:-)
"A Day in the Life": UPenn General Supplement
Woah. I just happened to read this. It is amazing!
The only suggestion I had about the dialogue spacing has been suggested by lightoftheeyes
Good Luck!
huh.
Thanks guys! And Sadia, that was very helpful! Hope to see you there sometime, maybe!
"A Day in the Life": Northwestern Supplement
Hey guys! Any level of criticism is appreciated :)
Here's the prompt:What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?
Aaaand the essay!
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That is a great essay. It's very precise and explains your goals and objectives well. You seem devoted in your studies and have compiled an exceptionally well written essay. Good luck. Northwestern is a great school. I have nothing to critique on as far as the content of the essay goes.
The writing is brilliant, but you probably already know that. The alarm clock theme does not work, though, in my opinion. I am trudging through the essay trying to figure out what it all means... and it is only your GREAT description that keeps me going. I think that alarm clock theme needs to be replaced with something that strongly, clearly answers their prompt question. Clarity is important in answering the prompt, because you are taking this creative approach by writing about the future in the present verb tense. So... let's kill that alarm clock theme and answer them in an interesting, awesome way. :-)
