The Essay Question
What is one small detail in the world that you notice and wish others did, too?
My response
We are a far cry away from the time when daughters were expected to remain home from school on Mondays to assist their mothers' in washing clothes. In fact, I was unaware of how much time had changed both culturally and technologically since the turn of the last century until I spent a week immersed in the culture-attempting to bake bread, make jelly, build stools, and knit hats. The distinction between a modern rinse cycle lasting forty minutes compared to an entire day is startling. Born during the twenty-first century, I am effortlessly granted a number of amenities that were not attainable to my ancestors. This is a fact I wish others could perceive. At the turn of the last century there were no iPods or cell phones-there was scarcely even a viable vacuum cleaner. Moreover, not many individuals acknowledge that society, decades ago, was formally more family oriented in contrast to society today.
I don't much like the ending
Any help would be great
This is a second attempt that I could expand on.
Upon entering this world, each person is gifted with an abundant number of taste buds. Nonetheless, some individuals are better suited at distinguishing irregularities in the taste of a food product. This is the detail I wish others could perceive. The fact that a banana has a propensity to dominate the flavor of all other items packaged alongside it irks me and yet this alteration of taste is undetectable by others.
I would stick with the first essay. Maybe elaborate more on the difference between life ten and life now and you will be golden.
I feel you on the banana thing though, I can't even have a banana in the same bag as the rest of my lunch or everything else will taste like it.
any examples on idea that I wrote about that you feel should be elaborated on?
talk about how today you can easily go to the store to buy those things but then they were not readily available, now washing ans drying a load of clothers takes 40 mins and not days.
Say something like I wish others wouldn't take modern technology for granted because even small things that people hardly think about such as a pen and electricity were not present during that time. Relate the detail more to yourself as well.
change individuals to I. You are talking about how you notice it not individuals and that you wished they noticed it so maybe I is better.
Born during the twenty-first century, I am effortlessly granted a number of amenities that were not attainable to my ancestors before me[This is redundant]
Moreover, familial cooperation was onceReader already knows you are in the beginning of teh 21st century essential to obtaining a functioning home,nowNow with maids and extra-curricular activities, families barely have time for each other.
Otherwise, good job!
Look at mine please the Re-edited version!
Any other advise?
Does this essay follow the prompt and is it interesting?
mothers' - not just one mom for all the girls
we are a far cry away from a time when - the is fine it is up to you.
unaware of how exponentially times have
replace a week in a half with either one week or two weeks- cuts down word count
forty minutes as compared- add a comma before compared
entire day is immense - startling
comma after century- At the turn of the last century,
replace dash with ; ( all of your other essays have dashes.)
maybe end with: Despite increased productivity today, maybe life would be better (more simple) if things went back to how they used to be.
good essays read mine edited essay please.
Moreover, not many individuals acknowledge that society, decades ago, was formally more family oriented in contrast to society today.
for some reason this sentence seems odd to me. Help
I know theres a word limit so if you can't add anymore, I would keep everything how it is. but the part about the 1900 culture is still confusing to me. how did you immerse yourself in 1900 culture? And, I like the edit to the last sentence! I would just take off "moreover" and maybe have "vacuum cleaner. Today's society takes for granted the hard work and inventions of preceding generations, which I think is a small detail we all need to recognize" or something but wrap up all your ideas, and briefly touch on the prompt once more. good job though!
We are a far cry away from the time when daughters were expected ...
Thanks again
I really like your new last sentence, just add a comma after "generations." overall, its really good!
