If there has been some obstacle or bump in the road in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
Sitting on the cold, concrete floor, watching and listening to the laughters fade, I look around to see myself alone waiting for it to come. Dreading and hoping it will forget me. With my head down, I look up to see it there, the big white van, never on time but always taking some of me away. I'm actually not afraid of this big white van but the destination it's taking me to. As it drives away i stare out the window, mindlessly, following the yellow line watching it steady as it takes me to what would be seven years of my life. Working at the family restaurant one of the darkest moment in my life.
My desire to be normal like the popular kids were never an existence. The wanting to join sports, clubs, and having friends were hard to attain. there are times when i didn't crave for life. i wanted to be buried and forgotten. never did i expect helping my parents would become such a hardship on my family and me. were we falling apart. The uncertainty of my path discouraged me to keep going and my life was spiraling down into nothingness until one day. I was sitting on the cold concrete floor waiting again with my head down but unlike any other day this day was different. I looked up and to my surprise it was on time and replacing that big white van was a shiny new car to take me home.
...myself alone and waiting for...
Maybe it is not good to say, "With my head down, I look up..."
Dreading and hoping it will forget me, I keep my head down, only raising my eyes to see it there, the...
My desire to be normal like the popular kids were never fulfilled . (The desire did exist, just not the satisfaction of the desire.)
Jennifer,
If you're lucky you'll meet the right sort of teacher who will recognize the poetry in your choice of words. Then, he or she will gently help you stretch your own sense, which is tuned naturally to your native tongue, to fullfill the needs of english grammar. It will be exhilarating for you, or dull and punishing, depending on your teacher.
For you, I hope it is the former.
Working at the family restaurant was one of the darkest moment in my life.
You should probably elaborate on just what made this such a bad experience for you. At the moment, the reader can guess a lot of it, from what you say in the second paragraph, but you don't provide enough detail for the reader to really share your sense of how horrible it was. So you had to work a part-time job after school, which cut into your social life. That's unfortunate, but it hardly qualifies as "darkest moment" stuff, unless you've lived a very, very sheltered life. There must have been more to it than that, but if you don't share the details, you can't expect the reader to empathize.
