'timid about my Filipino nationality' University of Michigan application essay

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

At the young age of four I was thrust into the American world. Not being able to remember what it was like back in the Philippines, I grew up with a mind set that every family throughout the entire world lived as everyone did in America. As we went back to the Philippines since the first time we had left, I noted how differently everyone lived. People focused more on being social with family, not friends.

I became fascinated with our culture. I had relatives whom I have never met before, yet they greeted me as if we had not seen each other in years. I gained respect for the welcoming warmth and strong family values that comes with the Filipino culture. These strong values in God, discipline, good character, and humbleness helped shape me to be the person who I am today.

When I was younger I was timid about my nationality. But throughout the years, I have been immersed in numerous cultures and have made many friends with different personalities. These experiences showed me to be proud of where you came from, who you and, and what your culture is. Being proud of who I have grown up to be is something that I can offer to the University of Michigan. I may not be at the top of my grade, but I have the determination and support group to help me work hard to achieve my goals wherever I end up at in life.

Any tips on how I can improve my essay and my writing style? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

I moved to America when I was four.(or something like that) No need to add young there, concise is the key for adimission essay. But I can never do that lol, hope you can.


sorry I don't get it


When we went back for the first time. Concise


you are, not is

and I'm not sure for the perfect present tense, you should change to past perfect. I think you should.