Describe the most difficult adversity you have faced, and describe how you dealt with it.
As I entered my first American class in fifth grade, I didn't realize that would be my biggest challenge yet. I had just moved from India to the United States of America. The world I entered was new - the buildings were tall, the streets were clean, and there were computers in class-rooms. This was new to me. People treated me as if I were an odd-ball. I was peculiar. Little things made me the outcast. I was the only girl with long hair with two braids, I wore a bindhi on my forehead, and I would apply baby oil to my hair. I was made fun of for the things I didn't have in common with these new people. The students in my class made faces at me, made fun of my accent, and even tripped me. I was alone in this new world except for my family at home.
Just when I thought I couldn't go to school anymore, a couple of American girls invited me to do projects with them, the teachers helped me ease through the new school, and my family gave me moral support. With the help that I received, I realized I had to become one of the "fittest" for the world only has room for the strong ones. I stood up for my beliefs, my Indian culture in front of those students. When a girl said, "Um...Is that blood on your forehead?" I would reply, "No, it's a bindhi. It's a tradition for Indian women to wear this. In fact, there are some really pretty ones; I can bring you some tomorrow." After several instances such as the last, those same students who made fun of me started to accept me. In fact, they thought Indian culture was cool.
I was different. Living in a new world required transitions. And that's exactly what I did; I transitioned rather than transformed. I have my Indian traditions--that were the most important to me-and adapted to the American ones that I thought were essential. Now, with these two cultures, I live a balanced life.
"Classrooms" does not need a hyphen.
Also, put a "the" before classrooms.
"Odd ball" is more of a cartoony phrase; I'd try using a less slang term. Maybe something like:
"They treated me like I wasn't a human", something appealing to emotion and will gain sympathy.
Overall, it's a moving essay. (:
From your essay I became an admirer of your personality. Yes, you need to have courage to face change in order to adapt to the new environment. It does not mean that you need to change what you believe in. You are an example for many young people who blindly follow new trends.
People treated me as if I were an odd-ball.-----nice saying
I was madeOthers had fun out of me for the things I didn't have in common with these new people. The students in my class made faces at me, madehad fun ofover my accent, and even tripped me. I was alone in this new world except for my family at home.
With the help
that I received, I realized that I had to become one of the "fittest" for the world which only has room only for the strong ones.----I personally, not in favor of using the word "fittest" and believe you can say it in a better way. Because your ideas are great and they need a good backing with excellent writting.
Living in a new world
requiredinvolve transitions. ------ in my view, "Living in a new world would require certain adaptations". I transitionedadapted to the new environment rather than having myself completely transformed.
Great discourse here! Ohrio, I think you made your smiley backwards. You put the smile on the left. Isn't it supposed to be like this? :) with the smile on the right? That is the standard smiley.
From your essay I became an admirer of your personality.
This is really nice of Duminda to say...
Oh... as I read the essay, I see what Duminda means. Yes, this is very good! Isn't it interesting that the most powerful effect on the reader happens right here: and even tripped me.
Does anyone agree that those words make the reader suddenly feel something while reading?
I like it... strong writing.