Hello! I need help. The prompt asks to write about the topic of my choice and to make sure it is 500 words or less. This one is 378, is that a good length? Also, this is a first draft but I have worked on it really hard and need some help with advice on how to make it better.
Thank you so much!
I am so tired. The day this complaint sifts its way out of society will be a triumphant day for the history of man kind. Being tired was not a terminal disease last time I checked so it really should not be treated as such. If my teammates are counting on me to play at a big game, I can't let them down just because I didn't get much sleep the night before. That "I-am-so-tired" excuse doesn't count in my book, in fact, it doesn't even deserve the hundreds of times I am forced to hear it from my classmates in a single day. It is just something that we all have to deal with and, like a lady's time of the month, should be a taboo subject.
I can't imagine the devastation my family would've faced had my mother and father fallen into the easy trend of saying I am tired and thus excusing themselves from working hard. When we moved to the United States, there were countless opportunities for them to take the easy way out by using this phrase. Luckily, they knew better. In a world where it is easy to be lazy, they grasped the importance of working through the fatigue and earning a good living. They made sure to weave that concept into the quilt of my upbringing, scowling at or teasing me whenever I looked tired or stated that I was.
As I grew older and started to take more challenging classes, my days were plagued with the worn-out complaint. I am so tired, I would hear my friends say over and over. So what? I always wanted to tell them. So what if you are tired, just do your work now and sleep when it's time to sleep. I kept my mouth shut however, since saying negative things about a person's state usually brought on animosity.
There is nothing wrong with feeling a little tired. In fact, sleep is an inexplicable need manifest in all animals and any extreme sleep deprivation can lead to serious consequences for the organism. Allowing this feeling to become a substantial obstacle in every day life and using it as an excuse to give mediocre effort however, is a crime against oneself.
Hi,
I really like what you are writing about, although I might change a couple things. Firstly, "like a lady's time of the month, should be a taboo subject" ... menstrual cycles should probably not be mentioned in college essays (in a negative way) -- someone could easily be offended by that, possibly interpreting it as a sexist comparison -- I mean, why should it be taboo? People talk about rotting corpses and pimples too...
BUT ANYWAYS
the tone of the essay is kind of negative and accusatory overall, and you make yourself sound like chuck norris (you don't need sleep! or being tired hasn't slowed you down? or getting 3 hours of sleep does not impair your thinking). Though I am sure this wasn't your intention, you seem a little arrogant.
I think this essay would be stronger if you talked more about yourself, rather than complaining about others. Coupled with the example about your family, maybe you should add a personal anecdote. You have the extra words to. This is a tricky topic to work with, just because it is easy to condemn other people and inadvertently (hopefully) paint yourself as god's gift to productivity, or the workforce.
