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Title of my life- Is it Ok to use 3 adjectives as a title?


ying7686 2 / 7  
Oct 29, 2009   #1
Before our great editors get bored, I'd better summerize my essay. The first part is about an experience and the second part is using 3 words to title the experience(However, the experience is just one part my life).

I wonder if it is Ok to use 3 adjectives as a title? Does the essay fits the prompt? Will you be confused about what I am writing?

Essay prompt: If you were to write the story of your life until now, what would you title it? Why?

Icy water chilled me from head to toe. My raft squeezed through a waterway surrounded by spire-like cliffs. BOOM - the raft was stuck on a rock. Water rushed past, splashing back into the raft. Bodies fell over, crashing into one another. Scream of panic spreads throughout the rain.

Weeks earlier, travel books were strewn across my desk. Yellow sticky notes spotted the front board of my bed - it looked like I was planning a prison break. I was exploring the best route for me to explore an exiting rafting trip in Fenghuang. Now I was back into reality.

If I am going to title my life until now, I will title it "Rafting in torrents." Like rafting in the torrents, my life has surge and fall, even drown. With caution in mind as helmet, knowledge in hand as rope, raft full of courage, I am no longer afraid of the whitewater standing in my way. Once I set up my goal, I stick to my direction no matter how fierce the currents are.

I have been rafting in torrents since my primary school. When I found my capability beyond my academic grade, I became less interest in homework. That day, I returned home and my parents noticed I was a little absent-minded. After me talking to them, they both support me the decision that I skipped 5th grade and went to 7th grade directly. I was surprised that I was actually longing for the solution for a long time. My biggest enemy in front of me was the math. During the summer holiday, I taught myself one year's math text books and entered the honor class of my middle school. I missed the graduation of primary school, but I didn't regret the chance to stand out of the box.

In the year of 17, I was qualified as exam-waiver for the Chinese National College Entrance Examination, which was a rare opportunity many excellent students were dreamed of. Stepping in front of the headmaster's office, I was lost in thought. I prepared long to fight for this battle and I couldn't just give away the weird idea to give up the privilege. Actually I enjoyed the feeling of blood pulsing through my veins in this battle. Like a soldier in an army, I wanted to stay with the team until we all triumph back. Rumors came that I was showing off. My parents' and peers' misunderstanding gave me a lot of pressure. Once again rafting in torrents, I managed to go the Sun Yat-sen University by my own effort.

Year passed and now, I am facing another choice in front of the torrents of my life. I know I should follow my heart. There are rocks stuck in my way of chasing dream, bleaching wind blowing my raft away, and dangerous shoal threatening to drop me down. My motivation and determination are the oars that keep me forward.

I love rafting in torrents and my next adventure will be in The Grand Canyon, I can't wait to see it.

Grammer critics are welcomed~Thank you guys

Looking forward to your comments~
icysakura 4 / 8  
Oct 29, 2009   #2
first of all, you do a great job of imagery!
Instead of the usual "there was", you tell how books lay there or bodies fell, etc.

-Just be sure not to overdo it, because in the first few paragraphs they all seem to start the same way and have the same structure. of course, parallel structure is great for an entire paragraph, but three consecutive paragraphs relying heavily on the same structure seems a tad too much =) just my opinion; I don't want the repetition to detract from the quality of your first paragraph or two.

"People behind me were desperately bending against the oars, their effort seeming only to make it harder to break through."

- run on sentence- end it at "oars." Also, I don't understand what you mean by "bending against" - you mean throwing their body weight against it? clarify the imagery/action.

- "Their effort only seemed to make", or "Their effort only made" for less passive voice
- "to make it harder to break through"; word choice. It's not so much break through as it is to push past the boulder

"In a last desperate minute, however, I pulled the emergency motor string and the raft began to scrape past the rock."

- I'd use "During those desperate minutes, I gave a hasty yank to the emergency..."

"The river eventually subsided, leaving the raft full of water and six thrilled passengers drenched. "

- "six thrilled passengers drenched" is a bit awkward. I know what you mean by "thrilled", but perhaps that could be more clearly explained w. another word. "leaving a water-logged raft filled with six, drenched passengers chattering excitedly about their narrow escape/adventure", or something like that.
OP ying7686 2 / 7  
Oct 29, 2009   #3
Thanks a lot~However you didn't reply to my question~I wonder if it is Ok to use 3 adjectives as a title? Does the essay fits the prompt? Will you be confused about what I am writing?
icysakura 4 / 8  
Oct 29, 2009   #4
"sponge, cliff, and soaking"
the concepts behind them/that you explain are very interesting, but as they are, i dont think they would make a sufficient title.
the structure isn't parallel, for one thing. two nouns and an adjective (or verb, depending on how you look at it), or one noun and two verbs that are not parallel...

something more interesting would be like "The Daredevil Sponge", though that sounds a bit more like the name of a spongebob episode than of a metaphorical essay you have here. But the idea is to find a way to incorporate/summarize those concepts behind the 3 adj. into a more fluid title.

Hm. As for the prompt..I like the story, but I'm not sure if they (whoever is receiving this) would view it as relevant.

Just make it clear that instead of giving the title and THEN explaining, you have it in reverse order.
Emphasize/clarify the shift from your adventure to your thoughts about a title/the story of your life.
OP ying7686 2 / 7  
Oct 31, 2009   #5
Thanks very much~The story is acually an essay I prepared for another college. I guess I'd better rewrite for Emerson.Any good ideas to start with?


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